WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN'T REPLACE
by snoopygal16
Summary: What if marissa had been the one to get into the accident instead of Johnny at the end of ' game plan? CHAPTER 10 EDITED. i changed the ending as i didnt like the way it panned out. there are other issues that i wanted to adress which was not possible.
1. when you lose something you cant replace

_**WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING THAT, YOU CAN'T REPLACE.**_

_**Disclaimer:-**_

_**I do not own the O.C. nor do I own any of the characters. They are courtesy of Josh Shwartz, merely borrowed so I can add my own little flash of drama to them. If I did own though, I would keep Ben McKenzie all to myself. He is delicious.**_

_**Summary:- **_

_**Wonder what would happen if Marissa goes after Ryan instead of Johnny after their fight on the beach in 'the Game plan'? Wonder what would happen if Marissa was the one to get into a life-altering situation? Would it bring them closer and make them face their issues once and for all or would it push them further apart? **_

_**A/N:-**_

_**Slated to be a short ficlet of about two, max three chapters. The first chapter will focus on their individual thoughts during this period of time. I do not believe that they are justified in thinking all this, (In particular, Ryan's guilt towards the end and Marissa's thoughts initially) but that said, I do think this is what went through their minds at this particular time.**_

_**The first part of the fic is angtsy, but it gets better with each passing chap. At the end of the day… I remain an R/M fan.**_

_**The initial part in italics are dialogues taken from actual show. They are just there to set the tone for the rest to follow.**_

_**Read and review!**_

……………

"_Is that what you think too?" Ryan asked, his words laced with incredulity, his voice having an angry edge to it. Marissa stared at him, not knowing what to reply or how to explain. Lately it seemed as if they always spoke two different languages._

"_No, of course not." she shot him down immediately, before his eyes could turn even more furious. "It's just… complicated, okay?" she said softly, trying to explain._

"_Right! You know what, why don't you guys talk or whatever? I am out of here!" _

In one swift motion, he turned around, anger radiating from his every stride and all she could do was helplessly watch him leave. Involuntarily her hands raised to stop him, a reflex born out of desperation just like so many times before, but they fell away of their own accord. He wouldn't stop and He wouldn't turn around. She knew this as surely as she knew that he wouldn't listen to any explanations that she might want to give. He was too far away to listen…

In more ways than one.

She sighed, his angry face imprinted on her mind as her shoulder's slumped in defeat. She hadn't meant to hurt him. She never wanted to hurt him. She wished she could take it all back, but she needed him to realize what she was feeling right now. Things were just so difficult, she felt so confused - all the time.

Seth, Summer, even Ryan knew where they were going, what they were doing. They had a direction, they had goals, they had a stable platform on which they could build there future upon. They all had plans, except it seemed… her. And that message had never been as firmly driven home as when she had been sitting in that diner listening to all of them talk.

She felt apart from all of them, cut out from the group like a disused, gangrenous limb. She felt like she no longer belonged. In the midst of the three most important people in her life, the three people who loved her unconditionally… she felt all alone. Because, She could visualize them going to college, making new friends, getting on with their lives. She could visualize them moving on. But, however hard she tried, she just couldn't see herself doing the same thing.

Not when getting through a single day seemed like such a chore.

Dreams of a gunshot and blood and rape and screams and pain kept haunting her, refusing to let her go, refusing to let her live. They came in all different shapes and forms. Horror filled dreams of men and fights and a lover's last breath that woke her up sweating and screaming, terrorizing dreams of rape and murder and gory, smelling apartments that shook her to her very core, scary dreams that seemed more real than the reality of it all. She was pulled apart by who she had once been, and what she had become now.

A_ murderer…_

The word was seared into her mind and written onto her skin with indelible ink.

_A person who was willing to take away some one's life…_

No truer words had ever been spoken.

Because the truth of the matter remained that she had done it. Picked up a piece of cold metal and tried to end it all. And that was a reality she would have to live with for the rest of her life. She was tainted with someone's blood, deafened by someone's screams, burdened with the sight of someone's bloody face to the point where living with herself was getting harder and harder with each passing day.

She needed someone to take away the pain. She needed someone to understand. She needed someone to share the burden that she was towing every single day. But more than that, she simply needed someone to listen.

She needed Ryan.

_Yeah, right, like that's going to happen_, a bitter voice inside her brain cruelly mocked her thoughts. Have you forgotten what had happened the last time you had tried to reach out? Wasn't it painful enough for you to be rejected once that you want to go back for more?

_Go back to sleep… _

The sentence haunted her almost as much as the nightmares she kept having.

She sighed ruefully to herself. He was hell-bent on avoiding the issue altogether, like he could simply make it disappear if they didn't talk about it, like the dreams that she had would simply go away if she hugged her share bear and slept at night. And sometimes it angered her that he would react to her problems so callously. But most of the times she just felt confused.

Because even in his silences, she could feel that he cared.

Then why? Was it just because he wasn't a very good talker, or was it because… did he… did he blamed her for everything that happened with Trey?

If he did, then she wouldn't blame him. he couldn't blame her more than she blamed herself, anyways.

She had shot his brother.

She was the reason why his only family was gone.

God, would he ever be able to forgive her?

All of a sudden she felt tired, worn out, like she wished she could be in anyone's shoes except her own.

Nothing really made any sense anymore.

Because the person who used to hold her entire shattered existence together like glue didn't feel like he was there with her anymore.

"I am sorry; I'll go after him." Johnny concerned voice whispered from besides her taking in her troubled face. Startled, she turned around. She had almost forgotten that Johnny was right there. For a moment, she was actually tempted to take the coward's way out and take him up on his offer of going after Ryan. However, she couldn't do that. She loved Ryan. She had to make things right with him. Besides, Johnny going after Ryan would complicate an already complicated situation- Ryan was furious with Johnny and she already felt guilty about this whole mess that she had gotten all three of them in to.

She offered him a small, wobbly, apologetic smile and shrugged dejectedly. "No, Its okay. I'll go…"

He slowly nodded in response, his warm brown eyes compassionate and understanding, as he placed his hand across her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, offering her a reassuring smile.

_Ryan used to smile at me like that_.

The thought flitted across her mind from left field, surprising her with its suddenness and intensity and the fact that she had thought of it in the past tense. Quickly she pushed the betraying thought away.

_Ryan used to comfort me like that_.

The thought persisted. _Common Marissa, you are being stupid now_… she silently chastised herself, _he did that when... uhhh…he did that..._

Her mind drew a blank.

_Ryan used to loop his arm around me and tell me everything was going to be all right_,

Guess, not anymore…

She tried to resist it, to ignore it, to forget it, but finally she had to admit as the realization hit her like a fist in the gut and an intense pain shot through her heart.

They were no longer 'that Ryan and Marissa' anymore…

It was her last coherent thought before her world literally turned upside down and everything went blank.

……

Ryan stalked towards his car, not caring where he went or what he did, just that he got as far away from her as possible. He couldn't believe what he had heard. For a moment, he had actually thought that it was all a joke, that Marissa was going to laugh up at him and tell him that they were just kidding. He remembered that his eyes had rounded incredulously when he had seen the truth in her eyes. How could she think that he couldn't understand her?

He felt so fucking angry, so betrayed.

Ever since he had known her, she had always dreamed of going to college. And now she was telling him that she wanted to leave all of that, leave him, for a stupid surfing tour? And to think this was the same girl who had freaked out over the prospect of him spending _two weeks_ on a boat. He really couldn't get what was going on with her these days.

And it wasn't just regarding this either. It was everything.

Ever since she had joined Newport Union and met… Johnny, they had been steadily drifting apart. It was like they were both trying to be something they were not. Her laughs always felt a little forceful to him, her words always felt like they were spoken out of necessity and not need. They had come a long way to get to this point, but now that they were here, it just felt like they would be better off at the starting point again. His girlfriend was with him, but he felt that the Marissa he had known was slowly slipping through the widening cracks in his fingers. And whatever he did, however hard he tried, it just wasn't enough.

He was so exhausted these days.

… exhausted with trying to put back the pieces of a relationship that already felt broken beyond repair…

And Who the hell did Johnny think he was, telling him that he freaking didn't get his own girlfriend? He knew nothing, absolutely nothing about them. He didn't know what it was like being 'Ryan and Marissa' or all the pain/anger/hurt/betrayal/love/companionship/friendship/trust that came with that title. He fucking should have kept his fucking mouth shut.

But the thing that irritated him the most and made his toes curl with contempt and his heart clench with an unreal amount of pain( although he would not agree to the last part) was the fact that Marissa had agreed. She had stood silently next to Johnny and nodded her head. Fuck, but that had hurt, more than he would ever allow himself to believe.

If that's what she wanted, then so be it! He was out of here. Angrily he pulled open the door to his car.

BAM! THUD! A sound of a body hitting against metal as screeching tires came to a halt.

For a split second the sound didn't register in his mind. Then, he heard Johnny's terrified scream echo through the suddenly silent stretch of the beach.

"Marissa!"

Ryan's hand literally froze on the doorknob. His heart in his throat he slowly turned around. And before he knew it, all his thoughts of leaving were forgotten as he ran towards the sound, harder than he had ever run before…

……

The sirens blared, the red lights flashed and revolved, and he felt as if his brain was spinning along with them. He could faintly hear the buzz of activity as the paramedics rushed, the blood, the pain, the twisted knots in the pit of his stomach, the gut wrenching fear that curled and made him think that he was going to puke, it was all sickeningly familiar. He had done this before, been in this situation once. But at this point he couldn't quite recall when it was.

_It doesn't matter. All that matters is right in front of you and she is slipping away. _

His earlier feelings of anger and hurt had vanished in a puff of smoke replaced by nothing else but worry and fear and guilt. Every molecule in his body was focused on the battered and bruised, unconscious girl in front of him. God, he would never forgive himself if something happened to her. He loved her so much… at this moment he would gladly allow her to go on that stupid surfing tour with Johnny, if only she would open her eyes and tell him that she was alright.

As gently as he could, he cradled her against him, his loving hands tracing every little bruise on her beautiful face. "Marissa, honey, wake up…"

"Don't you think that you've done enough?" Harsh words intruded upon his thoughts and his eyes snapped around to clash with Johnny's. Of all the arrogant things to say... He wanted to hit him point blank. Ryan's "It really doesn't concern you, so why don't you butt off?" he said angrily.

"It does now." Johnny surprised him by whispering firmly. "Every time she goes after you something like this happens."

For a moment Ryan was tempted, really tempted to beat Johnny to a pulp, but then confusion and curiosity overcame his simmering anger. "What's that supposed to mean?" he testily snapped.

Johnny held up his hands in defense and backed up a few paces. "Look all I am saying is, she was thinking about all this when she came after you. She wasn't really looking at the vehicle when it hit her. She could have easily avoided it, if she had. And then there was also the time when she had gone after you when you went after …"

Johnny couldn't complete the sentence, So furious was Ryan's warning glare.

_Trey… _

The word hung between them even though he didn't say it.

_She had come after him that time too, and look where that had gotten her. _

_She had gone after Trey because he had asked her to, and look where that had gotten her. _

All his anger deflated in a second and there was no place left for any other emotion except guilt.

Such overwhelming guilt…

Johnny was right. He was responsible for everything that had happened to her. She would never have O.D'd in Tijuana if he would have let her know what a scum Luke was, his earlier suspicion that his little tryst with Gabrielle had played a huge part in pushing her over the edge, suddenly seemed like a reality. She wouldn't have been drinking so heavily and having that affair with D.J if he hadn't gone off with Teresa, and she definitely wouldn't have met Trey if it wasn't for him, and Trey couldn't have…. His mind still refused to go anywhere near that issue but this time he forced himself to do that. The pain he felt every time was nothing compared to what she had gone through…. And now this.

All of a sudden, the beepers surrounding her body started buzzing loudly as if in response, the noise deafening in the silent van. There was flurry of activity surrounding him and all he could do was focus on her convulsing face.

"Wh… what's happening?" he asked brokenly, fearfully as his eyes took in the paramedics, pumping her heart, rapidly moving back and forth injecting various drugs through the frail vein that appeared entirely too blue to him.

Nobody bothered answering him as they rushed around, shouting orders to each other in their small van.

He couldn't take it anymore. She was lying there… right there… and there was just

so much blood. "Tell me!" he gritted out, gripping one of the meds by the scruff of his neck as he stared down at him forcefully. It was killing him, this anticipation… this helplessness. "Answer me!"

It was Johnny who held him back. "Listen mate…"

"Don't tell me to listen." He angrily shrugged him off. "She is there, right there… and they wont answer" he accused.

It was the raw fear and desperation on his face that finally seemed to have done the trick. The paramedic gave him a pitying glance. "I am sorry, but her heart stopped."

For a moment he couldn't believe what he had heard.

His legs slid out from beneath him, unable to support his flailing weight as he slowly, painfully slowly sat down on that rock hard chair, unaware that he had even done this. He buried his face into his hands, his voice dropping to a dangerously soft silky whisper that was more terrifying than his earlier shouts as every angry, unjust feeling that he felt was directed solely towards himself. "God, what have I done?"

The answering silence in the van was deafening.

……..


	2. when you love someone it goes to waste

_**CHAPTER 2: **__**WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE BUT IT GOES TO WASTE…**_

DISCLAIMER:

I don't own the O.C or any of the characters in it. If I did, would I be on this site writing stories about them when I could be in Los Angeles directing a shirtless Ben McKenzie? No… Nah… Never!!!

SUMMARY:

_Wonder what would happen if Marissa goes after Ryan instead of Johnny after their fight on the beach in 'the Game plan'? Wonder what would happen if Marissa was the one to get into a life-altering situation? Would it bring them closer and make them face their issues once and for all or would it push them further apart? _

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Writing this piece took a lot out of me emotionally, and it is intense, so I hope you people like it too; well, not like it- I don't think any of you would like it… but I am still routing for it to at least touch some small part of your heart.

Ocgirl.fr, Writerinthemaking101, Anailuj, SummerDavis, Newportgirl22, CohenNAtwood - Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews! I hope you continue to read and continue to give me inputs so that we can make this story better and better.

Now on with the story…

………….

All around him is white. Stark, emotionless, blinding white. And as he sits on the cold hard chair of the hospitals waiting room, like a prisoner expecting the axe to fall any time soon, he realizes the color has never been as painful to the eye as it is now. He feels empty inside, because the burden of emotions has just become too hard to bear. And Johnny's words are still rolling in his mind reaching out to him like scabbed, rotten hands, but he cant allow himself to think, to feel because with it will come the realization, the realization that he knows he wont be able to take. And the blinding pain is there at the periphery, waiting, watching, biding until the time when it can swoop down on him and claim him, but he refuses to succumb to it, refuses to just let the oblivion claim him, because she needs him to be strong right now.

And he will not allow himself to disappoint her one more time.

Not after all that he has already done.

_The pure, unadulterated rage had propelled him, blinding him to the consequences, as he picked up the keys and drove. Every part of his body was simply put on automation, don't think, don't breathe, just do. The fight was the mere by product of the rage, the blinding rage that came in spurts of recognition of the actions that were forced on the woman he loved by the brother he now hated. The same brother he had once loved… Don't think, don't think, just do. They were same flesh, same blood, but today, he wouldn't hesitate. Every pound of flesh was his sacrament; every drop of blood that he drew was his penance. _

_And suddenly he is choking; choking and blinding and bloody and he knows he is going to die. But he doesn't care… he is past that point now. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he had always known that, this was how it was supposed to end._

_A brother had to die… _

_And then all of a sudden the choking sensation is gone. He can feel himself get free, the oxygen is hyperventilating in his brain and his vision is slowly returning to the reality of it all. And with it, the rage is gone, leaving behind nothing else except regret._

_A whole lot of regret._

_And then he sees that face…_

_Tears streaming down pursed cheeks, hair matted with sweat and blood, eyes panicked and crazy and that voice pleading, beseeching, calling out to him in a hope and a prayer that he knows he can never answer._

_That face…_

_And suddenly he wished he had died._

He leans forward slightly, his fingers laced together tightly in fear, as he looks down in despair. He hasn't changed from this position since the time she has been taken into the operating room. His breathing is still a little ragged and he doesn't really think it is going to calm itself to a normal rate anytime soon. In fact, he feels like it might just keel over completely if he doesn't remind himself to take at least one short, single breath every few minutes. She has meant so much to his life. Right from the time he has come to Newport- every single kiss, every touch of comfort, every single word of love, every single tear of loss, is seared onto his heart. Don't think, don't think, just breathe. Multiple injuries to the head, shoulder and ribs, they say. How simple this medical lingo is. Three words, that's it. And the power in them is enough to take someone's life away.

His life.

Because in this moment he truly acknowledges that, she is his whole life.

And now when he is about to lose it all, he knows exactly what she must have felt when she saw his life being taken away. Because he is in the same position now, except he is helpless and she had hope. And he knows that he would have killed if she could have lived, and for the first time he truly realizes the choices that she has made

_He can feel the blood on his lips, he knows that he is just a minute away from losing consciousness as the four confused, lost and broken teens rush into the hospital. The stench of blood and regret is everywhere and his eyes start to close in defeat. He faintly sees the body of his brother being picked up and wheeled into the hospital… the body, as in past tense? No, he would not allow himself to believe that. But he can't really focus on that anymore. His vision is blurring and stringing a single coherent thought together has become painful. He can hear people crying and there is chaos and confusion everywhere, cops racing around demanding answers to questions that are too deep for four eighteen year old lost and broken teens to comprehend, but he cant deal with it right now. He feels himself succumb to exhaustion and he is just about to give up, when he sees that face… _

_Her sad, confused, overwhelmed, uncertain, helpless face._

_That face…_

_And he knows he is the cause of it all…_

It's the wait that is the worst part. The not knowing what is going to happen that is unbearable. He has never believed in God. He doesn't ever pray. But today he closes his eyes and hopes and wishes and desires that there is a force up there somewhere that will make this right. And he swears that he will do anything, swap his own soul so that she can live. Somewhere… somehow… please… let her live.

"I am sorry," Johnny's tormented voice whispers from beside him, "I am sorry for what I said… before." He allows his eyes to merely flit across in acknowledgement before they return back to their surveyal of the patterns of the ground that have no meaning. He doesn't really want to listen to the words because the damage has already been done. And it isn't Johnny's fault. He accepts the blame. It is solely his to bear, but that will come later. Right now, she comes first.

"Do you love her?" he suddenly asks. His piercing blue eyes take in Johnny's hitched breath at the question and his downcast eyes, and he knows the answer. A part of him had always knows. But right now he isn't looking to castigate, he isn't looking for a fight, and sure he is the same guy who might tear his life apart in future, but right now that isn't important. Two prayers are better than one and if he has to make a deal with the devil himself, he will. His voice is begging, when he harshly whispers to his rival, "Then pray…"

The stark, emotionless white door opens and he looks at it apprehensively as he wonders what colors it is going to bring. Plunging, bottomless, lifeless black he dreads. Vibrant, colorful, hopeful red he beseeches. But there is a hint of yellow that is blended with both that he has yet to accept. His breath suspends in air as he sees the tired, worn out doctor and he slowly stands up; his eyes are filled with fear and hope and apprehension, all rolled in at the same time. He tries to determine what is there in the eyes of that white coated nameless, faceless stranger but he can't assess, and he slowly, fearfully slowly asks the question that is uppermost in his mind. "How… did she… is she okay?"

The doctor shuffles his weight from one foot to the next, his hands grazing the side of his jaw. "The surgery was very complicated, and the injuries were pretty deep and we had to resuscitate her twice -" the voice drones on and he can feel his fists clenching and unclenching in impatient agitation. Oh, the political correctness of it all. He wants to kill this nameless, faceless stranger who holds his life in his hands for playing with it so callously. "Damn it; just give it to me straight." He grits out.

Strong hands squeeze his shoulders gently, soothingly and for once, he is glad that Johnny is there, because he doesn't think that he can bear to take the news alone.

"She is going to be alright."

Oh, thank the Gods. Thank the heavens and the other worlds and whatever other forces there are, that were for once working on his side. Thank the Jesus and the Moses and the Chrismukkah miracles, even though it isn't Christmas anymore. He feels relief wash over him and his shoulders slump in pure reprieve. And its red- vibrant and colorful and hopeful red. His whole existence is splashed with the color red and he can't keep the heartfelt smile from spreading across his face. And it is so wide and beautiful and blinding that all his dark thoughts and feelings are washed away.

"But, there were some complications…"

And there it is- the man that was given the route to the doors of heaven was thrown into the pyres of hell. His breathing once again turns murky, his shoulders once again tense. The doctor leans forward as his eyes soften in compassion and it sounds so fake that he wants to puke. But he forces himself to listen.

"She might not be able to walk for a long time."

And once again his world is pushed into dreary, abysmal darkness that is almost but not quite as bad as the plunging, bottomless, lifeless black that he had so feared. _Don't you think that you have done enough… _The words that Johnny spouted out of spite just a few hours back have never seemed as real as they do now. The doctor is talking and spouting words that have lost all meaning to him as he closes his eyes tightly shut first in pain and then in defeat before slowly opening them and forcing himself to listen to the words. He knows he is to blame and the stench of guilt is the strongest in the air. This time he can't deny the color yellow that is splashed brilliantly across his face, marking him, branding him.

_The words when he whispers are merely that- words said in throes of sedation, but they hold true. _

_Go back to sleep…_

_Innocuous, cruel and harsh, yes, but they are the best he can come up with. Because the alternative would be to open up the wounds that haven't yet filled, the gashes that still pain. He knows he can't deal. Because the rapist image of his brother, the killer image of his brother is still superimposed on the image of the only person in his life that had been there when he was growing up. Troubled, true. wrong, sure. But still there. And to a five year old boy who is getting beaten up by that jackass boyfriend of his alcoholic mother, it is enough._

"So like I was saying, it's just a formality, but we need the name of the person who will be staying with her until her next of kin arrives…"

_He knows he cant be there for her, he knows she deserves so much more, but he still stays. Because he hopes that the love they have for each other would be enough. And he still tries…_

"So who will it be?"

_He is the brother of the man who raped his girlfriend and the boyfriend of the girl who shot his brother._

The reality of it all is too hard to take, and he knows that as long as she is with him she will have to face it again and again. He doesn't have a choice, but she does. And he realizes he loves her enough to set her free, because she deserves so much more… And although he knows that the pain of it will eventually kill him, he forces himself to breathe out the words…

"Johnny Harper."

………

_A/N: ofcourse you guys know that this** is NOT the end... because that would be just too cruel, and i remain an R/M Fan.**_

_I know its lame to use colors like you are in sixth grade trying to impress your English teacher, but that is the best I could come up with- **yellow is for guilt, Red is for life and black is for death.**_


	3. when u get wht u wnt, bt nt wht u need

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

_CHAPTER 3: _

_WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT BUT NOT WHAT YOU NEED…_

DISCLAIMER:

_I don't own the O.C or any of the characters in it. If I did, would I be on this site writing stories about them when I could actually see them in some steamy scenes together? No… Nah… Never!!_

SUMMARY:

_Wonder what would happen if Marissa goes after Ryan instead of Johnny after their fight on the beach in 'the Game plan'? Wonder what would happen if Marissa was the one to get into a life-altering situation? Would it bring them closer and make them face their issues once and for all or would it push them further apart? _

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

_I had to change the way it ended because I was beginning to get a writer's block. Hope you guys like this too._

…………

The visitors come and go, the beepers make their characteristic beeps and the nurses and doctors work away but there is no change in the girl lying so lifeless and broken in a cold hospital bed. For two whole days, there is nothing but darkness and oblivion around. No sweet tinkles of her musical laugh, no brilliant sparkle from her beautiful eyes, no words from her luscious mouth. She has no idea of where she is or what she is doing, no sense of self or surrounding except for odd excerpts of conversations that reach her ear. And even then the meaning of those words is completely lost for her...

_So what are you saying, doc? This is it? _

_I am sorry, this is all we can do, at least for now._

And then out of the corners of her oblivious mind there burns a light.

Bright, burning, brilliant, blinding, exploding and intense as it flashes across her retina.

_Yes, Mrs. Cooper. The pupils are now reacting to light. She can hear us, feel us…_

And then comes the Pain.

Shimmering and shooting, biting and burning, scorching and stabbing, her entire body is cloaked in pain.

And then the numbness, the fear and the sheer hopelessness of the situation.

_God, the familiarity of it all…_

Her hands clench on the dry sheets, gripping them tightly as if seeking something and yet not finding it. Her head thrashes wildly from side to side; the movements crazed and warranted, the product of her futile search.

And then one single word…

One single word, that encompasses all that she wants, all that she needs, all that she requires to make this weird, crazy, fearful situation right, escapes her dry, parched and painful mouth…

"_Ryan…"_

Instantly she feels strong arms holding her tightly, offering her comfort. She tries to open her eyes to see who it is, but as soon as she does, a blinding pain explodes in her temples and she shuts them back again. "Shhh… its alright… its alright…" someone whispers soothingly in her ear. She tries to calm down. But she can't. The words instead of comforting her agitate her even more. Sure the voice is soft and gentle, but it isn't the right baritone. The hands that hold her body so tightly are strong but they aren't the right feel, and yes, the person sitting next to her is offering the comfort, but it's a comfort she isn't seeking.

Slowly, gingerly slowly she opens her eyes and sees a face she isn't really expecting to see…

"Johnny?" she exclaims.

"How are you feeling?" she hears him say, concern written all over his face. "hmmm mmm…" she mumbles incomprehensibly as the world spins madly around her. What was Johnny doing here? For that matter, where exactly was 'here'? A million thoughts race through her mind, each more horrifying than the last.

"What…? Where…?" she licks her lips once, then twice, her parched throat making it difficult for her to talk. "Ummm, where am I?" she finally manages to croak out.

"You are in a hospital."

"Hospital?" her blue eyes widen a little bit more, fear glistening through their depths. "ummm… Why am I in a hospital?" she apprehensively asks.

"You had an accident." He replies softly, "You were walking across the road from the beach going after…" he can't say Ryan's name. He doesn't want that name coming between them ever again. "…and you didn't see the truck that came pummeling out at you. It wasn't your fault. The guy wasn't seeing where he was going, then... we took you to the hospital, you had to have a surgery, and well, here you are." He finishes, smiling brightly at her.

She acknowledges his answer with a slight nod, as her mind tries to take all this in. She remembers the beach. She remembers the fight that she and Ryan had - something about her going on some surfing tour. She remembers thinking that she and Ryan were no longer that couple anymore. She remembers thinking that probably Johnny could understand her better than Ryan did. She remembers going after Ryan to stop him… and then nothing. She doesn't remember anything after that. Her mind draws a blank and she panics…

"Where's Ryan…?" she suddenly asks. "Has he gone out for some coffee?" The idea that he might not be near somewhere when she needs him the most is scary. She doesn't want to think of that. He probably must have dozed off himself, she thinks. And then he must have told Johnny to stand guard while he went and got both of them some coffee. Yeah, that must be it. She cranes her neck and stares hopefully at the door...

For the longest moment, nobody comes.

"He wanted to come and meet you, but you know how it is" she hears Johnny say. "Something came up at school. It was really important, and well… he couldn't come." his eyes are avoiding hers.

She raises her eyebrows at that. She isn't fooled, not one bit. The Ryan she knows would not have cared if the whole school was falling apart. An earthquake could not have stopped him from being here beside her. Sure they've had their differences, but the Ryan she knows would never have been able to stay away like that.

_Unless, he himself wanted to... _

Suddenly the fights that they have had, take new meaning. Every bitter word that she has uttered to him, takes new life. Maybe their differences have been too much for him this time. Maybe he has walked away for good. She can't blame him. After all that they have been through, after all that she has put him through, she can't blame him for feeling that all this has been too much. She hadn't exactly been good to him these past few months. Johnny… new school…. New place…. She knows he was trying to do the best he could, and she'd never appreciated it. And then there was always the matter of Trey… Trey had left because of her. That issue was always going to remain in between them. The blame had to come sometime or the other. There was no escaping that.

Her eyes blur with unshed tears.

For the first time, since he had come to Newport she allows herself to truly consider this. And she cannot believe how lonely it makes her feel - Like a part of her is suddenly lost

They say that something has to go away from you, for you to value it more. And the loneliness she feels now that Ryan is gone, is overwhelming her. She misses him… God, how she misses him.

Because, Johnny doesn't know her.

Correction.

He doesn't know the real her.

He knows the girl who goes to college, and takes everyday as it comes. He knows the girl who had one bad experience in her life and is trying to deal with it the best way she can. He knows the girl who fights with her boyfriend and thinks of leaving school and college. But he doesn't know the girl who O.D'd in Tijuana. He doesn't know the girl who took all those pills and tried to end her life. He doesn't know the girl whose mom slept with her ex-boyfriend. He doesn't know the girl who shot someone.

He doesn't know her like Ryan does.

…………

Johnny sees the tears that run down her cheek. He sees the pain. He sees the internal conflicts that plague her. He sees all of it for the first time for what it truly is. And that's when he realizes that she's never loved him. Not the way, she has loved Ryan anyway. Not even close. He is her friend. Always will be. But that's all he is ever going to be to her. And surprisingly it doesn't hurt him as much as he thought it would. Maybe on some unconscious level he has always known.

"I am sorry…" he whispers hoarsely.

"It's not your fault." She answers politely, but she cannot stop the tears that flow down her cheek "I just wish that things could go back for us the way they had been before Trey… I just wish he had been here …" She sighs as she closes her eyes and buries her head on her pillow. "I miss him, you know…"

He knows. Up until now, he's never wanted to know. But he knows.

Marissa moves to get up out of her bed. She can't... Not one inch. Her legs just refuse to follow the commands of her mind. She tries to shake her legs, she tries to move her limbs. Zero. Zilch. There is absolutely no movement.

"What's wrong with me?" she fearfully demands.

"What… what do you mean?"

She stares at him directly in the eye. "I mean, why can't I move my legs?".

"Marissa…"

"Tell me the truth Johnny. Is there something wrong with me?" she cries.

"Your leg…" Johnny splutters, but no words come out. He tries again. "I mean, your leg, the doctors said it might take a while".

"But I will walk right?"

"I… I don't know." Johnny truthfully whispers. "But the doctors said that there is a good chance that you might.

First simmering of anger is making their way towards her. A million thoughts are racing through her mind. There is fear, of course, because she might not be able to walk. There is pain that something like this had to have happened to her. But more than that, there is sheer, utter loneliness. Didn't Ryan care enough for her to at least be there? Was she worth nothing to him?

"I am sorry…" Johnny says softly, reading her mind. "What can I do to make it better?" he asks.

"Leave?" she answers. "I just need to be alone right now."

He quietly gets up and walks away.

…….


	4. could it be worse?

_**CHAPTER 4: **_

_**COULD IT BE WORSE?**_

DISCLAIMER:

_I don't own the O.C or any of the characters in it. If I did own them, would i ever have allowed Josh to kill marissa off? _

SUMMARY:

_Wonder what would happen if Marissa goes after Ryan instead of Johnny after their fight on the beach in 'the Game plan'? Wonder what would happen if Marissa was the one to get into a life-altering situation? Would it bring them closer and make them face their issues once and for all or would it push them further apart? _

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

_Hi. So i am late again__. I have been so busy lately that i just haven't had the time. For a moment there i actually thought of forgetting the whole thing but then i went and saw the O.C reruns and it compelled me to write this story again. I cannot believe that Josh Shwartz ended the Ryan/Marissa relationship the way that he did. It just had so much potential. And i love you guys for believing in them as much as i do._

_Keep the reviews coming, all you guys. Thanks so much._

_Now on with the story..._

_............_

She tries to get up...

She falls.

She tries it again...

And falls... yet again.

She angrily sighs. She cannot believe that she has been reduced to this. It's been one month to the exact day that she's left the hospital. And although the doctors say that she has been improving by leaps and bounds, she herself cannot find that much improvement in any of it. She still cannot stand on her own. She still cannot walk without this goddamn stick. And she still gets those pitying glances that she hates from everyone around. Who would have thought that 'Marissa Cooper' was nothing more than a cripple?

She brushes the damp hair from her face as she stares at the almost deserted pier. She loves coming here at this time of the night. There is hardly anyone around and everything looks so peaceful and beautiful. Just the soft gush of the water as it touches the sand, and the brilliant sparkle of the night sky. It soothes her raw nerves and allows her to think, allows herself to exercise without her mom watching her every move.

The doctors had told her that no medicine was ever going to bring the power in her legs back. She had been devastated when she'd heard at that time. But there was a ray of hope, they had said, if she would be strong enough to take it. The only way to do it was physiotherapy and exercise. It was a slow, painful process and it was going to be a very difficult journey for her. Each day she'd have to battle with herself to make it better. She had wondered at that that time, whether she would be able to do it. But her mom was there, and summer was, and with their help she had made a lot of progress. For the first time in her life, she had no one else to rely on except herself, and Instead of weakening her, it'd made her strong. Every time she achieved the slightest of improvement, it gave her the confidence that she had so far lacked. But sometimes, like today, everything backfired and she was back to where she started.

She leans on the wooden stick, her hands reaching out to the railings on the pier. She has to do this. She has to continue trying again, and again and again. Because, the alternative would be to give up and she can't do that... not one more time. She puts pressure on her left leg, lifting herself up from her sitting position. But no sooner that she does that, her legs buckle under her and she collapses. She feels tears pricking at the back of her eyes.

Suddenly she feels strong arms holding her, lifting her from her crouched position. "What are you doing? You're not supposed to be doing that alone. You're not ready yet." Someone snaps at her.

Startled she turns around. She sees him, the guy that still haunts her dreams, the guy that still has the capacity to make her weak in the knees, the guy who in spite of everything still owned a part of her heart.

"Ryan?" she hoarsely whispers.

........

He had been thinking about her when he had left the Cohen's earlier. How many times had he dreamed of this, dreamed of meeting her? How many times had he picked up the phone to call her, only to put it back? And now that she is here he doesn't know what to say. What do you say to the girl from whose life you vanished without giving her any kind of an explanation? For that matter what do you say to the girl whom you have loved for so long and who still has a kind of a holdover you like no-one else?

He leans back as he stares at her, drinking all of her in. It's been two months since he's seen her or spoken to her and he had forgotten how beautiful she really was. The moonlight reflects off her face making it transparent and kind off ethereal. His eyes move from her beautiful blue eyes to her perfectly carved face, to her gold shiny hair, to her long frame before coming to rest on her eyes again. They are liquid and blue and they attract him like never before.

The silence stretches between them, stretching to the point where it is a palpable force. Neither knows what to say. The breeze ruffles her hair and a strand of it catches him on his cheek. He feels goose bumps across his skin. He so badly wants to touch it, feel its smooth texture in his hands. He jams his hands in his pockets, afraid he'd act out his impulse.

"So, how are you?" he whispers and even to his own ears it sounds so lame.

She wants to say that she is fine, she wants to say that it's too late for him to worry about her, she wants to say fuck off. But this was Ryan and she'd never be able to do that. Somehow, he is always able to extract the best from her. "It's okay..." she says, trying to brush it off. He looks at her, his eyebrows arching gracefully in a mock. His eyes tell her, he can see right through her artfully cultivated lie, the lie she has been saying to every other person in the world. It's not okay... it's never going to be okay... and suddenly she wants to say it, say everything that's on her mind, get everything off her chest. Because, this is Ryan and he wouldn't ever judge her. In any case, he's seen her in much worse. "It's difficult, you know." She truthfully answers. "It feels like however hard i try i keep coming back a whole circle. I still can't walk and i am barely able to stand." All her frustrations come out in that one sentence and she feels the tears prick at the back of her eyes. How does he do it? She wonders. How does he suddenly come into her life and break through her carefully erected defences. How does he do it with one glance? She had vowed to forget him, vowed to forget that he had left her, vowed to forget the love that she feels burning through her soul but it's next to impossible to do that. "It will happen." His eyes tell her that it will, and coming from him, she truly believes that.

The night is getting colder and she shivers. He quickly removes his sweatshirt and hands it to her. She takes it, more out of habit than anything else and wears it on. She can feel the scent that is pure Ryan and she takes a heady breath. It feels so comfortable, so warm, and she relaxes in its steady hold. And then she makes the mistake of looking at him. His eyes have an unfathomable expression in them, like he too is wondering how this could feel so real, so true, even after so much time, even after all that has gone on in between them. Their eyes lock and as if guided by an unknown force, they move closer and closer. He is the first one to come to his senses as he breaks the contact and stares at the open sea. Neither knows what to say, because saying something would mean that they'd have to acknowledge that something intangible and beautiful is happening here and for a moment they just stare like that, awkwardly, Ryan staring at the sea, and Marissa staring at her folded hands.

"Do you; maybe you... ummm... want to get something to eat, at the diner, i mean... not like a date... just... i mean... if you want to?" Ryan suddenly asks, the words coming all jumbled up and he feels a blush creep across his face. He feels his hands trembling in his pockets. His cheeks are all red and he stares straight ahead. Great, now he's made a complete fool of himself.

"Okay..." she whispers, surprising herself as much as she surprises him. She doesn't know what continuously draws her to him, what otherworldly force is there that always pushes them together in spite of everything that goes on in their lives.

They walk across the pier mostly in silence. They sit at their usual booth. Without really considering it, they do all the things that they had done as a couple. The waitress comes to take down their orders.

"So, Chilli fries?" he asks her teasingly, a smile playing on his face.

"Yeah, and black current shakes." She answers licking her lips.

He laughs at that. It's always amazed him that she can eat that much amount of food and still look this way. It's one of the things that he's liked about her, one of the things that sets her apart from all the other Newpsies. For a moment they forget about everything else except that they were two teenagers out to have a good time. Moments like these - drama free - are so few and far between them and they each want to cherish it as much as they can.

"Where's Johnny?" he suddenly asks, the words coming out all wrong. "I mean... i, it is none of my business but..."

"He left on a surfing tour." She cuts him off. "We thought it best to stay as friends".

"Right." He mutters, his face reflecting the surprise that he feels. He tries to search for some sign of regret on her face but there is none, and he feels relieved in some way. He doesn't know what the equation is, and he is dying to ask her, but he keeps his mouth tightly shut. So maybe it didn't work in between them. Maybe they still have a chance. Or maybe they decided to stay friends till he came back so that they could pick up exactly where they left off. The jealousy he feels at that thought unfurls in him.

"How's school?" she asks him, trying to change the topic. Johnny is the last thing she wants to talk about now.

"It's lonely without you." The words slip out of his mouth before he can stop them. "I mean... i didn't mean... "He stutters, a slow blush creeping across his face. She looks at him in surprise as their eyes lock. And the moment becomes too awkward to bear. They each look the other way. She wonders why he didn't come that day if he missed her that much. She wonders why he left her. But she doesn't say anything to him. In truth, she is a little afraid to break the harmony that has unsuspectingly sprung up between the two of them, and for just this one time she wants to pretend that everything is alright. They talk... talk well into the night about small things, little titbits of their lives the other had missed, about seemingly insignificant things that seem significant to them just because they were in each other's presence. They both laugh remembering the number of pranks they have played in school, Ryan telling her about Seth and his weird antics, she telling him about Summer and her shopping expeditions and it feels just like the old times. They talk well into the night, careful to not bring up the topics that they know are fairly volatile. They manage to do that for the better part of the chilli fries and the milk shake.

"How's your mom taking all this?" he casually asks.

"Actually surprisingly, she has been really supporting in all this. She's hired the physio and she isn't as neurotic as she usually is."

"Maybe not having me around all the time helps her nerves." He jokes, and then gulps quickly suddenly realising what he had said. They both know this was going to come up some time or the other, his apparent departure from her life but neither of them had thought it would be so soon. The atmosphere becomes tense; the air between them soon becomes thick with unsaid things. It's like a can of worms has been suddenly opened and they realise that they aren't ready, ready enough to have this conversation. Their breathing becomes shallow as each concentrate on what the other is saying, what the other is feeling.

"I am sorry, Riss... about that day." He whispers, "I should have explained." He doesn't know what brought that apology on or what good it is going to do. In his eyes he had already done the unpardonable and nothing he could say was going to make it better. So why exactly was he apologising? It could only get worse. He watches her surreptiously through his lashes, and what he sees in her face, confirms his worst suspicions. She is angry at him for leaving her like that, without an explanation, without so much as a goodbye.

She feels tears pricking at the back of her eyes at his words and swallows the lump that has formed at her throat. She's been waiting for this answer forever, and that is not the answer she wants. It doesn't account for all the lonely nights that she has spent. It doesn't account for the pain that she has had to bear. It doesn't account for anything. All the suppressed emotions of these past few months come back in a rush.

"So explain now..." she angrily states.

He can't. He can't tell her how difficult it's been living without her or how difficult it's been allowing Johnny into her life. He can't tell her that what he's doing is for the best. He can't explain to her about the whole trey thing. He can't hash up that past. And yet he cannot let her go now without giving an explanation.

"I thought it was for the best. You know... with everything..." he says. His fingers ball into tight fists. "Riss, please..." he whispers, the words begging her to consider his plea, begging her to understand, but it's his eyes that finally wear her out. She stares at them, and there's so much pain in them, like he is physically been thrust into a burning fire, like a thousand corkscrews are suddenly applied to every part of his body, like he would rather go to hell, than go through with this. She stares at them, stares at the blue irises that could turn to dark ochre blue with blazing passion or liquid tangible green with suppressed emotion. They were black now, like bottomless pitiless black and she realises the fury that she sees is solely directed inwards and she wonders why it is so. Wasn't it his decision to leave her, to not so much as look back? She stares and stares, confusion marring her features, and then suddenly she gets it. Gets exactly what he's saying. She gets it just by glancing into his eyes. So it was the whole 'Trey thing' just as she had feared. And for a moment it angers her. But then she realises she has nothing to be angry about. Because, whether this accident would have happened or not, they had already been going on a downhill path. Because, they had tried to make it work between them and it hadn't. And there was no point in denying that. And although it hurts her, she understands that it's for the best. Maybe this way both of them might have a chance to start all over again. Maybe this way she wouldn't have to drag Ryan through her messed up life. Maybe this way they could still remain friends.

And, she doesn't want to lose that.

And yes she is angry at him. But she is not ready to let him go, let him walk out of her life all over again.

Slowly she inches her hands towards him, her fingers brush his slightly before they rest warmly on his cold clammy palms offering him a kind of a truce. He flinches in surprise and stares at her, before the seeing the acceptance in her eyes. He lets the breath that he had been holding out in a soft rush, relief washing through him, before winding his hands even more tightly around hers.

"So you know how we said, that we could never be friends?" she whispers.

"Yeah...?" he looks up from his perusal of their hands. They are so perfect. Tiny creatures intertwined perfectly.

She places her other hand on top of his and softly says. "Could we probably give it another shot?"

..........


	5. lights will guide you home part 1

_**CHAPTER 5**_

_**LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME (part 1)**_

The sea is beautiful today, she thinks. Not necessarily calm, but beautiful. The inky darkness of the sky contrasts perfectly with the orange glow of the sun. The waves are gorgeous as they lap and fight against the sand. The wind makes a soft rush as it passes by. The shore is silent; no one except tired surfers going back home. The night could not have been as still as it is now. The nature is in perfect harmony with itself, blending, and twisting and unfurling to form a beautiful canopy against the sky.

Beautiful and serene.

Exactly the opposite of the way she feels.

She is at the 'lifeguard stand' the one place in the world where she feels perfectly safe and she could not have been more restless. She rests her head lightly against the hardboard and stretches her legs in front of her, brushing what little dust had accumulated over her dark, black jeans. Her laptop and the attached printer lay uselessly beside her, forgotten, their blinking orange lights their only reminder. An hour has lapsed since she has come, the yellow orange glow of the setting sun, turning into inky blackness of the night and still she can't make the decision. It isn't so much as difficult as it is heartbreaking and laced with the heartbreak is the fear, always the fear. She doesn't know whom she fears the most, herself or him. She doesn't want to think about what she's about to do today. Is she ready? Will she survive? She stares into the dark oblivion, her thoughts racing ahead of her, petrifying her yet beckoning her. It would feel amazing to be back and yet... was she really prepared for that?

She feels rather than hears the break of the soft footsteps against the sand. He comes nearer to her and she can see him through the corner of her eye. He looks sinfully fresh, sinfully welcome in a white open necked t-shirt and blue jeans for an occasion like this. He quickly climbs up the small number of stairs, before sliding close to her and wrapping her in his arms and judging from the tightness of his grip around her, she realises that it isn't as easy for him as he always makes it look. She rests her head lightly on his shoulders with a sigh and inhales the scent that always comforts her, washing away the loneliness and the fear. She lets out a barely held breath.

She knew he'd come.

"Hey..." he softly whispers, his usual form of greeting towards her. At any other time, she would have playfully turned towards him, lightly teasing him for his lack of articulation. At any other time his own eyes would have danced and allowed her to rib him senseless. At any other time, their easy friendship would have allowed them to laugh.

But not today.

His jaw is set as he holds her tightly in his arms, and his eyes eye the laptop like a repulsive creature. She isn't sure who is giving whom the comfort. After all, this is as difficult for him as it is for her, if not more so. She rubs his shoulders with her hands and his lips curl in a sad caricature of his previously beautiful smile. Their hands join, more for drawing comfort than for anything else and they both realise that their friendship might not survive this.

Yes, Friendship... Not love.

She had said it, asked him to be more precise, but she had never truly believed that they could be friends. Their history suggested otherwise. But between helping her gain her strength back, to taking her to physiotherapy, to doing mundane things like homework together when he brought it back for her (she was continuing her education through correspondence course at Newport union) to their endless talks all night long, it had happened. It had strengthened with every step that she took, every hurdle that he helped her fight, and every mistake that he helped correct. It had survived the changes that he had made in her life, insignificant little corrections that required to be made, huge decisions that needed to be taken, and it all seemed so effortless now. But it hadn't seemed so at the time. It had been difficult striking a balance between the strong sexual tensions that so effectively flowed between them at the slightest of provocation, to a more mature relationship that they had always wanted. The only blip in their near perfect relationship was that they still couldn't talk about Trey. But that was a small sacrifice to pay, if they could have this. The early years of silly fights and heartbreaks, of rushing hormones and jealous boyfriends had matured to a more subtle, beautiful, and well balanced relationship. A relationship she cherished beyond anything in this world.

A relationship that was just going to be put through a huge test.

She fidgeted with her hands, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "So do you think that this will work?" she whispered, the question was rhetorical. The plan was already in place, and it was way better than anything that they could have dreamed of coming up with, (thanks to Sandy's unerring lawyer skills to Taylor's dogmatic, determined attitude), so that wasn't what she was talking about. She was talking about it in a more euphemistic sense.

His fingers tightened around her and his jaw clamped down shut. "I don't know... i certainly hope so, but i don't know." He turned to look at her then and she saw how stormy is eyes were, wild like the colour of raspberry sky. She could see that he was as scared as she was but then his features hardened with determination and his jaw locked. They told her that he would go through with this, regardless of how much pain it would cause him.

She admired him for his single minded determination, admired him for his courage to face this, and admired him for not backing out. But she realised she wasn't as strong as he was. Her lips faltered and her hands shook and she pressed herself against his body as if to gather what little strength she could. "I am scared. Ry..." she whispered.

His eyes softened a little bit at the plea in her voice and he sighed. He brushed a small strand of her hair from her face, the movement sending shivers down her spine. "Hey, you don't have to do this. It's your decision to make. There is going to be no pressure, not from me or Summer or Sandy or Julie." He turned towards her slightly at that, looking deep into her eyes, wanting no confusion on that account at least. "You know that right?"

"I know." She whispered.

She knew he meant it, meant every word of what he said. She knew he wouldn't think any less of her, if she decided to back out. She knew he'd support her all the way. But that didn't mean that she didn't know what he really wanted.

He wanted her to do this. Deep down, he wanted her to test herself and come out strong. He wanted her to forget about her past and move on. He wanted her back with her friends. He wanted her where she still had a future. He wanted her where she truly belonged.

He wanted her back in Harbour.

And he wanted her to write _'that letter'._

So ironic that he was the one to suggest it, when she'd have thought he'd be the first one to run away.

The four of them had been having an early breakfast at the diner when Marissa had brought up the topic that had weighed heavily on her mind for the past few days. Her doctor had given her the 'go' where her legs were concerned and it had reminded her that she would have to go back to school soon. She couldn't just learn everything through correspondence, although if she had her way, she would have liked nothing better. Being in the anonymity suited her better than being in the limelight. But as soon as she was back in Newport union, she would be back in the glare of every single person there. She was dreading going there again. There was no Johnny to protect her now and she would feel terribly alone. They had been talking about it, the four of them (Seth, herself, Ryan, Summer) when the idea struck. If she had to go back to a school, why not go back to 'Harbour' again. Dr. Kim was much more likely to listen to them now that the horrible vampire who had briefly invaded their school was gone and Taylor wasn't crazy Taylor anymore. It was the perfect timing. Now all they would need was to get the trustees to listen.

The plan was simple.

They had gathered whatever support they could, from students back at school, students who remembered her from her social chair days. They had gathered all the parents that Sandy could round of. They had even made 'support marissa' T-shirts. It had been mercifully easy.

So that wasn't what was worrying her. What was worrying her was the last part of the plan.

'_The letter..."_

Even now thinking about it sent a shiver of apprehension up her spine. She had to write a letter detailing everything that had happened that night to the trustees to help them understand her side of the story. Everything. Trey... the Rape... Ryan... The murder.... everything. It was the only way she had, to make them listen. Bile rose up in her throat, choking her, strangling her, and suddenly she couldn't breathe. How could she do it? How could she write one letter after the other, string it into words, make it into a sentence and create something legible and understandable out of it, when mere thinking about it bought her such pain? She wasn't ready to do it, rehash everything of that night. She wasn't ready to let the pain that had now become a dull ache slash through her again. She'd thought she had been successful to put it out of her mind, hide it in a small corner of her heart where she needn't look, needn't touch , but this letter would bring it all to the forefront. She'd have to rehash everything, every single wound that was thrust upon her, every single slash that had cut across her, every single scream that had tore through her.

Everything.

No she couldn't do it.

She had stared at them, at their three hopeful faces (well two, actually. Ryan was the only one who was not looking at her like this was the answer to all their problems) across from the booth as they waited for her answer. She had stared at them for a moment too long and then she'd left. Without saying a word, without uttering a sentence, she'd left. She'd hailed a taxi, the fastest one that could carry her back to her room, past the scenery that was Newport, past everything that was happening in a blur through the tears that glistened in her eyes before bolting the door of her room shut and falling back on her bed. She wanted nothing more than to cry, cry her heart out for not being brave enough.

She wasn't surprised when she saw the glow on the screen of her cell-phone indicating 'Ryan calling'. But she didn't want to talk to him after the way she had run out on them today. Why didn't they understand that and leave her alone? She brushed the tears from her cheeks and suddenly he was there, knocking on her door.

"_Riss..."_

"_Go away..." she had obstinately raged. "Leave me alone..." she had whispered. _

_He ignored it and came to flop on her bed. So typical. He wouldn't leave her alone._

"_Why are you here anyway?" she'd raged. "You don't know what you're asking. You can never know that. You didn't care then and you don't care now."_

_He'd sucked in his breath, the words like acid pouring in his stomach. "It's not about me, it's about you. Why don't you get it once and for all?" he'd shouted back. She had lurched from the bed, moving as far away from him as possible. If she could have run, she would have been racing out of the door. She didn't want to be in the same room with him right now, so angry did she feel. In one swift motion, he'd caught her, not allowing her to leave. She'd shouted, she'd screamed, she'd kicked, she'd bit, but he'd stood his ground. And in between all this she didn't even realise when she became the conquered rather than the conqueror. Silent sobs wracked her body and she collapsed on his chest. "I can't do it Ry..." she cried. "I just can't... it's too hard." He'd patted her head, rocking her like a baby. "I know... i know..."he said it like a chant until she had completely cried herself out. Exhausted and embarrassed, she'd pulled herself away from him. "I'm sorry." she'd muttered with downcast eyes. "I know it must be as hard for you as it is for me..." she'd whispered._

"_You have to do it sometime, Riss." He'd said. "You think you can hide out forever?"_

_She'd looked up from the patterns on the floor that she had been tracing and stared at him for the longest moment with those big, blue eyes. She bit her lip cowardly, knowing that her next question was going to make her certifiable in his eyes. But there was only one way she could have done this. And that was with him right by her side. "Will you do it with me?" she'd asked the question in a small voice knowing full well what his answer would be._

_He didn't speak for a long time, just stared at her with an expression that was part horror and part hurt. And then a mask came over his face, and he turned to look away. _

"_You think you can hide forever?" she'd challenged. She knew she was pushing him, but to her it seemed necessary. She knew she didn't want to do this and that was the only way she could get him to back off._

_He looked back at her with eyes full of an unreadable expression and determination lacing every curve of his face. "Let's do it." he'd answered. _

Even now she couldn't grapple with the fact that he had said yes. It seemed surreal to her when he had been so adamant the last time she had suggested such a thing to him. He had given her a clear indication - to stay the hell away. But whatever the cause might be, she knew that this was even harder for him than it was for her. And she would not allow his efforts to go waste.

Slowly she pulled the laptop on her lap and began to write.

_**It all began that night... the night my boyfriend's brother almost raped me...**_

..............

He holds her.

He holds her as she types feverishly, tears streaming down her face. He holds as she thrashes and thaws the laptop still held in her hand. He holds her as she screams as if she's having nightmares. But he doesn't look at her.

He can't.

The laptop where she's writing those words looks like a vile creature, a creature he can never reconcile with. It hurts just to think of what she is doing, whom she is writing about. It hurts just to know that while he is holding her, he is thinking that he misses him. But he doesn't say a word of it to her.

He doesn't know how he was able to do it... come here today. There were many times when he had thought of backing off, calling her and making some lame excuse. But she would see right through it. And she would balk. He guessed that was the only thing that had made him come here tonight. He wanted her to go to harbour. He wanted her to have fun. He wanted her to have a future that he had so callously crushed. He wanted her to lead a normal life, even if that life was away from him. And that was exactly what was going to happen... pretty soon now. He knew it was inevitable, knew it would only be a matter of time before she would say something or react in some way and he wouldn't be able to help it. He would walk away. He would get up and walk out of here and with it take whatever chances he has of being her friend. And then she would be very angry with him to ever talk to him again. He was counting on her anger to help her complete this piece of shit she was writing. And she would be back; Summer had promised him that she would. Summer would see to that.

She would be back at Harbour.

That was the only reason why he was able to come.

Mid sentence she pauses, pushing the laptop away and stares at him, tears streaming down her face. "I can't do it... i just can't." She whispers and he can see that she's giving up. He places his hands on top of her, stopping her actions with that one motion and slowly once again bringing the laptop back on her lap. "No." he whispers urgently, willing her to obey his command. She has come a long way for her to give up now. "No." He says again, more to himself than to her. He wills himself to stare at the screen; even though that is the last thing he wants to do. And he does something that he knows will destroy him. He reads the sentence where she left off.

_**I went after him, because i knew what he'd do. And i saw him just as his brother was killing him. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it. He was the only person i had ever loved. I saw the gun lying on the floor. I picked it up and i...**_

Bile rises up in his throat as he realises what she has written. He feels something like tears prick at the back of his eyes. But that couldn't be. He doesn't cry. He feels his throat all clogged up with an emotion that he can't quite put a name on. And then he does something that he never thought he would do. He spreads his fingers until each of his fingers are exactly on top of hers. And then types the last words.

_**I killed him. **_

The next thing that happens, happens all in a blur. He doesn't remember when he clicks on the save button and the he clicks on the print. He doesn't remember when he pulls that document out of the portable printer that she carries. He doesn't remember when he seals it in the envelope that he didn't even know that he had. He doesn't remember when he pulls her body close to him and curls his body against her. He doesn't remember anything. They fall exhausted on each other, neither knowing nor caring where they were. Sleep claims them in a second, and they are left cradling there in that cold, hard lifeguard stand. The result of their effort comes in three days. Summer brings it to them with shining bright eyes.

Marissa was back at Harbour.


	6. And I will try to fix youpart 1

**Chapter 6:**

**I WILL TRY AND FIX YOU** _(part 1)_

He stretched, then groaned suddenly with the pain that hit his body out of the blue. His body was too stiff and sore for him to be sleeping on his comfortable, soft bed, the very bed that was covered by Kirsten in a thousand thread count sheet or whatever it was that she'd said (he wasn't really paying attention to such stuff), and he realised that the stiffness was more due to the position he had slept in than anything else. Every muscle in his body was locked tight and he couldn't move, couldn't stretch without the pain hitting him full force in the cruellest fashion possible. He knew what his muscles were rebelling against. They were rebelling against spending an entire night in this cramped up position on his bed. But he couldn't bring himself to regret it as he stared at the person lying next to him, the reason for his spending a sleepless night.

Stripped of the pain and torture that he generally saw on her face, her sleeping form looked too innocent and untouched to be real- Like she was still a kid of five. He stared at her. He could barely make out her form under all those covers. She had the faintest hint of circles under her eyes, and her face looked bright, almost angelically so as she was lying on his side. A soft smile graced her lips, like she was dreaming good dreams and he was happy that for once it was so. He could watch her for an eternity and not get tired. He could do this, his whole life and die a happy man, he thought. He wondered what she was dreaming about - Possibly a world where she was as carefree as when she rode behind him on his bike all those years ago. It seemed a lifetime ago now. He wondered whether he figured in her dreams at all now and he was surprised at the intensity of pain that shot through his body gripping his heart in a wise like clutch with the mere thought that probably now, it wasn't so. He sighs. He can't think like that. He has no right to think like that anymore.

_Friends... _

_That's all they were now..._

And he has to keep reminding himself about it again and again because it wouldn't do for him to slip up, to do what he really wants to do. Like pull her closer and closer towards his body till they were so close to each other that not even a wisp of air could pass through them, till they were so melded into one other that nothing, not even God could separate them.

_Friends, Ryan, Friends_ – please remember that.

He reluctantly disentangles himself from her and leans casually away. His eyes take in the unnaturally shabby appearance of his room and a smile crosses his lips remembering the activities of last night. They were certainly doing a good job of being friends if the condition of his room was anything to go by. Bags of chips and soda, empty cans of beer are lying everywhere. A rug is shabbily sprawled across the floor from where they had been sitting cross legged and talking. Muted T.V is still showing that sappy movie that they had attempted to watch last night. He doesn't remember what the movie was about. She had come over last evening just to hang out and they had decided they would be watching a movie on his D.V.D before he could drop her back home. But the evening turned into night without either of them realising anything about it. Most of the night had gone in chatting and the funny part was that he doesn't even remember what they had talked about. They had just talked and talked and talked – one meaningless conversation after the other before they had fallen asleep. Sometime in the night he remembers waking up and shifting them into more comfortable positions on his bed but other than that he remembers nothing. And yet he knows it's been one of the best nights of his life.

His gaze momentarily flickers towards his alarm clock shaking him out of his reverie. It innocently blinks 6.30 A.M back at him and he ruefully sighs. They would have to get ready for school soon. It was Marissa's first day back. Plus, if anyone were to walk in now and see her like this, in his wife beater and shorts, they would surely think and come up with the worst case scenario. If Sandy were to walk in now... oh shit, they would be so busted. He'd have to wake her up soon.

"Hey sleeping beauty... wake up." He softly tries to shake her awake.

She groans in her sleeps and pulls the covers firmly against her as if to block out his voice. He shakes his head in a smile and tries once again to wake her up. "Marissa common... Sandy will be up any time now..." he whispers. She grabs the pillow and places it firmly against her ear, blocking out his pleas, then stares at the clock with one baleful eye before closing it tightly shut.

"Five more minutes, Ryan..." she whispers in a sleepy, stuporous tone before falling back to sleep right there and then.

He gives a hearty chuckle and an idea begins to form in his mind. He could certainly take their friendship one step further. His eyes light up with a devilish glint and he quickly makes his way towards the bathroom. He carries something back in his arms... and then one... two... three...

He throws the entire jug full of ice cold water on her face.

"Holy cow! Holy shit! Holy mother of... Shit that's cold!" her answering gasp is so much more better than even he had dreamed of, and her blazing wide awake eyes are so round that he laughs... laughs until he is clutching his sides to prevent from falling.

"O... Oh..." her teeth are chattering as she makes a plunge for him. He is too far away from her to make any real damage and he can see her gritting her teeth in anger. It turns her blue eyes indigo with fire. "You are so going to pay for that..." she stutters, her teeth clamped shut in an attempt to keep the cold away. She makes another swipe for him and it misses him by inches this time and has the effect of wiping the gloating grin off his face.

She raises her eyebrows challengingly up at him. "Like that?"

"Oh you wanna play huh, huh, huh" he tickles her and she laughs in response then tries to tickle him back. He moves just out of her reach.

"How are you going to do that? With that one leg of yours?" he playfully goads her, then isn't prepared for her counter attack as she lunges at him. This time she doesn't miss. She tickles him senseless which has him mercifully begging her in between his uncontrollable laughs.

"Marissa. Stop. Riss... Stop".

"Then, don't you dare make fun of my leg." She tickles him some more and he rolls over until he is winding both her arms around her back in a firm but painless grip. She buckles her legs under him reflexively and the surprising movement catches him off guard and his limbs get entangled in hers. He puts his arms on both sides to keep from falling on her and suddenly he is too close. He can faintly catch the whiff of her vanilla shampoo and he can see every speck of freckles on her otherwise beautiful face. His eyes fall on her lush, ruby red pout without really meaning to and he is tempted, sorely tempted to take just one small taste from those glorious lips. How they would part if he were just to touch them with his lips now... how they would taste as if it was the sweetest nectar from the most elusive, most wild flower... just one small taste wouldn't hurt, would it? He mentally shakes himself awake. God, he was acting like a complete pervert- She was his best friend. Not his girl friend anymore. Time to get that straight. He gives himself self-deprecating chuckle.

"What?" she asks confused, her hands reflexively touching her hair, as if there was something sticking out from underneath it and he shakes his head silently back. It wouldn't do for her to see the train of thoughts that his mind was taking. He doesn't really want her puking all over his bed "Nothing. Let's get you cleaned up", he whispers, and then in one swift motion he picks her up in his arms. She squeals in delight and he tightens his hold on her as he makes his way towards the bathroom. The bathroom is cramped, small as compared to the rest of the pool house. He deposits her on the wide platform beside the basin and she quickly crosses her one working leg against the non-functional one and folds her arms across her chest. She is almost too used to being incapacitated in front of him and her eyes are devoid of any shame or regret as they stare at him in humour.

"Uh, Ryan... not to bust your bubble or anything, but i didn't really bring any of my toiletries last night."

He looks sheepishly at her... "I have some left... you know, from before. And your spare clothes are mixed in with mine on the dresser." He blushes, then, realising how that sounds. "i was going to give them back to you sometime last week, but then..." he lets his voice trail leaving the sentence incomplete...

"It's all Right." She quickly says, then looks down and blushes, biting her lips. "We never really did the whole exchanging the toiletries thing when we broke up."

"I'm glad, we didn't." He whispers, before handing her a spare toothbrush and tooth paste.

She wordlessly takes her brush from his hands, and applies her toothpaste to it while chewing on her bottom lip as if she is thinking hard. "Yeah, me too." She stares at him then, her blue eyes wide and glistening. "This time i feel like it's really working, Ry... we are doing a way better job at being friends than we did a couple of years ago."

"Talk about you!" he teases. "I was equally good then too, but you just didn't seem to be able to keep your hands away from me."

She rolls her eyes at that. "Yeah, right! You are a beauty Ry, what can a small, innocent girl like me do, but fall at your feet? I was just so overwhelmed!"

He flexes his foot muscles purposely at her, and then grins. "You still can. This place is always vacant for you"

"Eww, Ryan. Shut up."

He laughs. "Okay, now we better break this up or else we'll never get to school."

She makes a face at that, like she'd completely forgotten about school till a moment back. "Yuck, School! Do i really have to go? Why can't i just stay here and take everything through correspondence?" she puckers her lips in a pout.

He smiles at her kiddish expression. "Because then you'd have to face Taylor. She doesn't take kindly to seeing her efforts go to waste." He makes a mock face that is part horror, part fear. "You should have seen her when I'd refused to be in her first ever gym project. I wasn't allowed to sit still for a week without her getting at me about it some way or the other."

Marissa laughs. "Yeah, I'd like to have seen that. It would have been almost comical to see you running away from someone rather than the other way around." She turns her head questioningly up at him then. "But its funny right, i didn't really expect Taylor to stand up for me like that. I mean i thought that she hated me."

"Guess she has some good underneath all that make-up. Plus," He winks secretively at her, "She likes Seth."

"What?!!!" she gasps, her big eyes becoming round with surprise and shock. "Taylor likes Seth, like really likes him? Wow!"

"Yeah... wow!"

"What was Summer's reaction to that?"

"Priceless!" he chuckles. "Seth couldn't sit down for a week due to his sore back side."

"And i missed that??" She shakes her head ruefully. "So tell me... What else have i missed in Harbour when i was away? Tell me all the gossip." She claps her hands together and gives him a wide anticipatory grin.

"Well let me see, what might interest you?" Ryan makes a face, as if he is thinking hard... "Cathy got married to a millionaire/ten year older to her gentleman. Her parents became loaded, but the guy lost all his money gambling, so she divorced him. And then there was that guy... i forgot his name... oh yeah, some Colin or Molin or something..."

"Ptolin, Ry..." Marissa corrected, smiling, "He's Russian."

"Yeah, whatever, well he got busted for drug abuse. Oh, and the best part -You missed Taylor and Dean Thomas's affair. That was big news for a while. But then it died down when the Dean got thrown out."

She gave out a hearty chuckle. "Well, how did Dean Thomas get thrown out? And then what happened, with Taylor, i mean? And what about Dr. Kim? Was she as angry with Dean Thomas as she was with me?" she fired the questions at him, at an alarming speed. It seemed she was taking a particularly vindictive pleasure at the Dean being thrown out. He couldn't really fault her for that.

He grinned, then jabbed a pink coloured face wash in her hands. "First, you get cleaned up." He said firmly, "And then i will fill you in all the gossip, i promise" he laughed at her mutinous expression and at her disappointed look. "And while you are at it, can you pass me my shaving cream from under that cupboard. I need to get little less grizzly."

She scowled at him, but did what she was told without further argument. They worked like that for some time. When Marissa was done washing her face she stretched her arms giving a wide yawn and then folded her arms, resting her chin on one of them. She stared at Ryan in the mirror with the most curious expression on her face, like she was in between deciding whether to say the next words or not. He could see the worry and the frown creasing her wide eyebrows, and he could see the slight amount of fear glistening through the depths of her eyes. And yet she held her silence.

"What?" Ryan asked, in between the sound that his blade make against his cheek.

"Nothing..." she muttered innocently, although there was a new quaver to her voice. "I was wondering, would be too weird if we just went to school directly from here. I mean, i know I should go home... but i am just too lazy. I brought some of my books last night and my bag has some make up in it." Her voice is too casual for it to be a straight forward question and he knows her well enough to guess at the cause of the quaver in her voice.

"Marissa, what are you afraid of?" he asks her bluntly.

She blushes a deep crimson red then. "It's just, i don't want to be away from you for even a second today. As weird as it sounds, You have a calming influence on me, like i know that when you are with me nothing bad can happen to me and I am a little scared of what's going to happen today, now that I am going to see Harbour from the other side of what I was before? I mean, i was supposed to be the quintessential princess of harbour some time back and now i am suddenly the lowlife from the other side of town trying to fit in."

He hadn't realised how much going to harbour was worrying her. He mentally castigates himself. He should have picked up on it sooner. "Marissa, you've known them your whole life." He says, in a soothing tone. "And your leg being in a cast isn't going to make them think that you've suddenly grown two heads."He allowed his gaze to roam over her body, then, making it purposefully admiring. It wasn't hard work. She looked delicious in his shorts and wife beater. "Everybody in Harbour is a sucker for looks and nobody who sees you is going to take a look at your legs. They would take one look at your face and that's it. Everything else is going to fall right back to how it was. And if things did get worse you always have Summer, Seth and me to fall back on. We would never leave your side."

She smiled at the confidence she heard in his voice. "I know. Can i tell you how eternally grateful i am?" She indicates towards her first, then towards her broken leg. "For this, all of this..." she meaningfully whispers.

He playfully chugs her under her chin. "Woman, are you trying to embarrass me?" he asks.

"Well, a woman can only try..." she quips, then silently mouths a thank you at him.

He rolls his eyes at that. Then he briskly walks out of the room and comes back with her clothes and her walking stick. "Here... get ready." he whispers, handing her, her clothes. "I'll be right outside."

He walks outside, giving her some privacy. He knows everything isn't as easily going to fall into place for her as he had said to her earlier. Marissa's insecurities have a lot more truth to them that he'd let on and he knows that although the students of harbour had signed the petition form for wanting Marissa back with them it was more out of fear for Taylor than anything else. He hadn't forgotten the way they had reacted when they had thought that she was a killer. There was almost a look of glee on their faces when they had seen the Dean throwing her out of the carnival. Most of the girls at school were jealous of her and at the best of times, they could barely keep from commenting something snide about her or the other. Now, with her cast and her recent status of living in a trailer park, they were sure to have a field day. And they would make sure that their boyfriends, and in turn their friends were going to feel the same way.

He feels her behind him rather than sees her and slowly turns around. Her short skirt does little to hide the huge cast that graces her legs, made only a little bit more presentable because of the number of things scribbled on it by various people and the number of colours than Summer's creative drawing has used to make it what she called 'funky and an absolute style statement'. As she walks towards him, it makes a grating sound against the granite tiles that adorn his pool house. He sees her from their perspective and realises that her first day back could range anywhere between utter disaster to complete failure. His gaze flickers over her face and he takes in the almost embarrassed blush creeping up her cheeks, like she is ashamed of herself.

"Do you think this is alright?" she asks, motioning towards her denim skirt and the white blouse, which barely does anything to cover her cast.

He allows a small smile to grace his lips even though it kills him to do so. He vows, he would kill anyone who would comment on that cast. He vows he would kill anyone who would make her life miserable in harbour. "It looks perfect." he says, bringing the right enthusiasm to his voice.

She smiles, a brilliant smile that lights up his whole room. "Then let's go." She whispers, enthusiastically, her eyes taking on a new challenge. "i am as ready, as i will ever be!"

..................


	7. And high up above or down below

**Chapter 7**

**(Marissa POV)**

I stood at the premises of the parking lot of my old school, my one hand clutched tightly on my shiny, beaten walking stick, and the other in Ryan's hard, warm grip as i stared at the colossal monument that was and had always been 'Harbour High'. It was huge; both in expanse and in height and so very beautiful if you compared it to Newport Union that it intimidated me in a strange way. I wondered why these differences should strike me so blatantly now. It's not as if i had never been a part of Harbour. In fact it was my life just a couple of months back. But now as i stared at it, at the beautiful white staccato building, at the lush green grounds with the perfectly framed archways, at the beautiful, perfect courts and parking lots, i was struck anew by its alienity. It felt like I had never walked these halls before, like I had never been a part of it before, like I had never belonged... and suddenly i was scared... so very scared to enter it once more.

I glanced at my watch. It was 8.30 now and i could see that my friends, my colleagues had already started filling in as the standard day at Harbour began. I watched them surreptiously through my lashes as they flitted through. They looked like they could have just come out of a chic magazine. Their dresses probably cost more than my entire trailer park, their hair was perfectly in place, their nails were all done up and i felt gauche and gaudy when i, in turn, examined myself. I used to be good at this sort of stuff, i was one of them at one point in my life but the things that i had suffered through had changed me in many imperceptible ways. I no longer cared what clothes i wore, or what nail paint i had on, and that clearly showed in the way i looked. My nails were chipped, my hair was slightly messy blonde and my dress looked like it belonged in any one of their dust cans.

They all paused in the archway to stare at me, like i was some exotic new animal in a zoo, a mixture of condescension and revulsion on their faces and suddenly i wished that i had gone back home from Ryan's to make myself at least a little bit more presentable. A shiny lips gloss on my too wide lips would have been nice. For a full minute that's all we did. We stared at each other like two quarries in a bad, smelly gang fight movie and then suddenly the dam broke; a flood like deluge overcame them and a cackle of whispers broke out.

'_Oh my god... is she back...?'_

'_What is she doing here...?_

And then the snickers started and the hastily shifty furtive looks began...

'_Look at that dress? What is she wearing...? It's so eighteenth century...'_

'_Is that a cast... my God it's so ghastly...couldn't she at least have gotten that new Calvin Klein one, the one which Luke had...?'_

'_Did you hear that Jimmy left again? He'd stolen from someone again and they beat him up before he could flee._

_She lives in a trailer park... i think her mom begs for a living or probably sleeps around._

_What difference does it make? Whore._

'_How can she still show her face after everything...?'_

I felt embarrassed as i listened to those ill-concealed words. Their words were like shards of glass cutting through to me, carving out each small part of my body and i bled little by little torturously slowly. Each new word or remark had a cutting edge and before i knew it i was gagging and i felt like i was going to puke any moment now. It was a bad idea to come here... i saw that now. I didn't know why i hadn't seen that coming before. Of course they wouldn't welcome me back with open arms. What had i thought? Didn't i know their mentality by now? So then why had it suddenly taken me by surprise and why were my eyes stinging like there were tears at the back of them? Ryan should have warned me about it, shouldn't he? Summer should have said something, shouldn't she? I turned abruptly, wanting to run away from here as fast as i could, wanting to burry myself in the ground never to resurface, wanting to hide in a place where their words couldn't hurt me so much, where their glares couldn't scream murder at me, where i could finally be free of all their accusation, but, three things happened at once. Ryan increased his pressure on my hand, refusing to let me go, refusing to let me run, Summer pulled against my jacket stopping me from turning around and Seth came to stand in front of me, effectively blocking me from their sharp view. I came to an abrupt stop and looked at them - the people that really mattered and the expressions that i saw on their faces rooted me to the spot as effectively as if there were invisible chains binding me. Summer looked like she couldn't care less what these people said about me, that she was going to kill each and every one of them for ever having the guts to hurt me, that to her i would always be that five year old girl who used to have sleepovers at her house and braid her hair when she missed her mommy and i felt a fresh wave of gratitude overwhelm me. What did i ever do to deserve a friend like her? I looked at Seth and he had a crooked grin on his face. He had my back, he was saying and i was struck anew by the loyalty that i saw in his eyes. Seth had never been the type to be overly expressive and sometimes it was easy to underestimate him but right now when i saw his eyes, i knew that he'd never leave my side. But the thing that stopped me, that truly rooted me to a stop as firmly as if i was encased in an unbreakable glass jar was the look in Ryan's eyes. There were no words to describe how i felt when i looked into his eyes... there was so much love there... so much compassion... i wanted to get lost in them, never to resurface. His grip tightened on my hand and a fresh surge of relief coursed through my veins. It was as if the blood in my veins started singing and pulsing again and at that moment it really didn't matter that i was not welcome here, it didn't matter what kind of horror i had to face now... the bond, the trust, the truth... that i saw in his eyes was enough.

"I am sorry you had to go through with that." he clenched his jaw and his eyes were flashing with determination when he said, "But i swear i will make it better." it was a promise, an avowal and his eyes were wild. I didn't want him to do anything stupid. Like beat someone up.

I immediately clasped my hands firmly in his palms, effectively restricting him and at the same time reassuring him. "No, i swear i am okay. I don't want you to do anything stupid."

He seemed to relax a little bit after that. But he still seemed a little wary, still seemed a little on guard. "Do you want to go to dr. Kim's first?" he asked softly, and i nodded my head silently back.

We walked across that parapet, a strange mix of four people, our backs held high, our head thrown back in defiance and every eye followed us – some accusatory, some downright derogatory and yet it didn't seem as weird as it had been just a couple of minutes back. At the turn towards Dr. Kim's office, Summer turned to wave me goodbye. She had a class at the other end of the corridor, and i smiled at her telling her without words that it was okay... that i would be okay. She seemed to understand and she told me that she would be there, waiting for me when I was done.

I paused before i entered Dr. Kim's office, a little bit apprehensive and i looked at Ryan. He nodded reassuringly at me and i pushed the door to her office open.

"Marissa..." Dr. Kim was all smiles as she waved me over to come and sit on the chair in front of her. "Welcome back." She said.

I had always liked Dr. Kim. She had an openness about her that immediately put you to ease and i reflexively smiled at her although my heart was beating a loud thud with each step i took. I was so afraid, that she was going to tell me that they had made a mistake in taking me back, that not only was i not qualified to graduate from Harbour, i wasn't allowed to graduate from any school. Every step i took towards her, my legs felt like they were made of jelly and my heart pounded so hard that i was sure she could hear it from across the hall. I put my weight on Ryan's shoulder as i reached near the front of her desk so that i could keep my walking stick away before taking my seat as instructed. Ryan promptly sat down beside me and took my hand before turning to face Dr. Kim. It was as if he thought of us as pleural, like we were in this thing together and it bolstered a lot of confidence in me.

"How are you doing?" she asked tentatively, like i would collapse right in front of her and she stared at my leg as if it would break in half any moment now. Her sad, pitying glance followed me through.

I knew she was asking only out of kindness of her heart, but i felt a brief flash of anger at the sheer unadulterated pity that i saw in her face. What was it with people and cripples? They acted as if we were made of kid gloves, like we could evaporate any minute now. I hated that. I hated the way they pitied us most of the time, like they were somehow superior to us just by the grace of having two legs rather than one. If only they could just pretend that everything was normal, things wouldn't be so bad.

"I am fine..." I muttered, looking down.

Something of my thoughts must have filtered through my expression because she suddenly looked sheepish and briskly started shuffling the papers in front of her, staring at various documents. She pulled out a pink paper from there and handed me what looked like my timetable.

"Look i know how hard it's going to be for you, so I've tried to club most of your classes with either Ryan or Summer." She briskly replied. I felt a brief twinge of regret at the tone of her voice. I knew she'd meant well earlier, but i guess my emotions were just too much on overdrive these days. Ryan's hand tightened on my arm as if in a warning and I gave her a grateful smile. I barely glanced at the timetable before putting it back in my bag. I would see it properly later. If Ryan and summer were in my class then that's all i cared about.

"What about my grades?" i asked curiously. "I mean, how much more effort do i need to put to stay at par?" i knew that there was no chance that i would get into a college now because my resume would scream murder to any college application. I didn't even want to think of college right now. It seemed too painful to open up that wound. But at least i wanted to make sure that i graduated with good grades. I wanted to prove to the world that i was good.

She once again glanced at the papers in front of her. "Well, i see that you've done fairly well in your old school", she said giving me a reassuring smile, "Your grades have been averaging about B-plus to A... so that's not bad. But there isn't much extra-curricular activity that you have done at Newport Union. That's going to be your biggest drawback." She frowned, and then looked at me questioningly. "Why, don't you choose some activity over here... you know bring up your extra-curricular vitae..."

I nodded at her, thinking it over... the only thing I'd been good at was being the social chair and that was definitely out of the question now. The one thing Taylor wanted promised to her if she helped me back was that i wouldn't try to steal her social chair. I would have to search for something else to do. I glanced at Ryan to see if he had any ideas. He shrugged at me negatively.

"I'll see what i can do." I promised, looking at her.

Dr. Kim smiled, and then her expression became serious as she looked at my leg. "How long before you can walk again?"

Thankfully it was Ryan who answered the question. "Dr. Mercy, her orthopod, thinks that it should be okay in a couple of months..." he looked at me pointedly then "if everything goes according to plan."

I had the grace to blush. Really, skipping one training session should not count as a crime, right?

Dr. Kim seemed like she agreed with him. She got up from her chair, a stern expression on her face, to shake my hand. "I hope you really do well, Marissa... i have always liked you, regardless of everything."

"Thanks." I whispered, shaking it back.

I walked out of her door with Ryan holding my hand and gathered my courage and plunged headfirst into the rigmarole that was Harbour... my new life.

.........

As much as i had feared my first class, it had turned out to be paradoxically uneventful. My first class was bio, an ideal class to sleep through since everything was dark the moment the slide show began and Summer and i sat at the back, doodling around in our books and giggling as we shared comments on how Mr. Dolby's wig glistened in the dark. The accusatory glances were there... the whispers were there ... just as cutting as before, just as derogatory as before, but i barely noticed them. I barely realised with Summer there by my side, keeping up a continuous stream of funny anecdotes and conversation. It was too much like what we used to do a couple of years back, and the familiarity immediately put me to ease. I even answered a question that was asked to me correctly and that shut most of the students up. I was proud of myself. My second class was equally uneventful, if you could call sitting with Ryan right by my side, his legs almost brushing mine, and his sweet breath stirring the nape of my neck, uneventful. I wouldn't! I had forgotten how good it was sitting in a class next to Ryan and i hadn't realised how much i missed it until now. Sitting with Johnny just hadn't held the same charm. I barely glanced at what my math teacher was talking, and I hoped that the class would never end.

But end, it did.

I was at my locker, in between my second and third class, still in that Ryan induced 'euphoric mood' when i heard my best friend's voice shouting at me from across the hall.

"Coop!"

I grinned, and then waved at her indicating where i was, and she walked briskly towards me almost colliding with me in her haste. "Where have you been? I was worried about you." She said, hugging me with all the strength that she had.

I rolled my eyes at that. Summer was acting extra protective around me, like the way she had acted when she had just come to know that my mom had had an affair with my ex- boy friend. She wouldn't allow me to walk down the corridor alone, or even drink water alone. She took it to a new height. She wouldn't even let me pee alone.

"Summer... you met me like an hour ago." I grinned. "And i wasn't alone. Ryan just left to get some water for me."

"Oh..." she muttered, perfectly chastised. "So what class are you in next?" she asked.

I frowned. Actually, I hadn't had a good look at the timetable before, so i took it out to examine it more carefully. I ran my fingers across the list. First class was Bio... second was Math... and third...

"Latin." I muttered aloud, a frown creasing my eyebrows as i stared at the pink parchment, like there was some mistake. "I have Latin next."

"I thought you bailed out of it."

"I thought so too..." i said, "I must have forgotten to scratch it off my list."

Latin was a subject that neither Summer nor Ryan took. That was the primary reason why i was going to scratch it out of my list completely. But i must have forgotten. That meant i had to face that class alone. Guess I'd just have to grit my teeth and get there.

She glanced thoughtfully at me. "So are you going to go?" she asked.

"I don't really have a choice." I muttered.

The bell rang then, indicating that we had to move quick if we had to get in class on time and the idea of walking into a class late when neither Summer nor Ryan were by my side, had me hurrying towards Latin. I turned to wave her goodbye and she stared at me apprehensively, like she was about to ignore everything and come with me anyway. I shooed her away, smiling reassuringly at her, with a confidence that i didn't feel. I didn't want her to get in trouble over me anymore than i wanted to get in there alone. I owed her enough already. I began walking towards Latin alone, and the glares that i had completely ignored in my first two classes began hitting me with new force. I tried to ignore them but they were next to impossible when i had nothing else to distract me from them.

At the door to my class i paused, and looked inside. Each and every face was turned towards me and the conversations abruptly stopped. I gulped. They looked like vultures who were ready to pounce at me, and i considered turning around and walking away. Why did the class have to be so huge? I scanned the rows in front of me, to find a friendly face to sit with, and spotted a girl (Cathy was her name i think) that i had helped out in Latin a couple of times before. Looking at her face i felt sure that she wouldn't snub me. I quickly hid my face before making my way towards her, my feet making a grating sound against the cold hard floor, the sound very loud in the suddenly silent classroom.

"Can i sit here?" i asked her politely and my voice magnified like a hundred fold in the pin drop silence that ensued. Every eye was trained at me and i could feel their glances digging at me sharp and razor like.

"Umm... Marissa..." she bit her lip, and i could see the wheels of her brain turning. "I don't think you should... i mean, it's nothing personal, but..." i felt my face go up in flames. The sheer embarrassment and the sheer shock of being snubbed so publicly had my eyes pricking dangerously again.

"Right..." i muttered, quickly walking away. I had never felt so alone in my life... an outcast, a leper.

Something or rather someone... caught my eye. Taylor was waving furiously at me from a desk right at the back. "Over here, Marissa..." she shouted.

I smiled at her gratefully and quickly made my way towards her. "Thanks." I whispered, sitting down next to her. "I hope i am not in the way of someone else's seat."

"I always sit alone." She grinned at me, like it was something of a coincidence that she was alone, completely inconsequential to her. "For some reason nobody wants to sit with me. But i figured we could give each other some company. That would be so cool, wouldn't it?"

Okay, 'Cool' wasn't exactly a word i would have applied. We were supposed to be mortal enemies at one point. We'd only turned civil once she'd helped me back. She had always seemed like a selfish creature to me, only concerned about herself, and I thought this would be an ideal situation for her to capitalise on, embarrass me further so that she could put the final nail in my coffin. But so far, nothing was working out the way i thought. She was actually bubbling with excitement that i was sitting next to her, and that was wrong - on so many levels. I stared at her. What was going on? She smiled at me. And i gave her a careful smile back.

Mrs Sequera, our Latin teacher, entered the class and the class became silent. The boo hoes and the catcalls stopped.

Taylor opened her book to a page that i hadn't yet read, and i rummaged in my bag to do the same. With a start i realised i had forgotten to get my Latin textbook. I had thought that i had scratched Latin off my list and so it had never struck me that i should put it in my bag Great! Just great! Was my bad luck ever going to stop?

Taylor looked at me, then realised what the problem was and pushed her book towards me. "Here, we can share." She said helpfully.

I glanced at her like she had grown two heads. Snide comments and snappy remarks, i expected out of her. This strange civility that we were suddenly sharing scared me.

"Why are you being sweet to me?" i suddenly blurted out.

She locked her hands on the table, twiddling with her thumbs apprehensively, like she was considering whether to say the next words or not. "Look, I don't have friends. You can see why. I don't know how to be civil. And when i saw you today, i felt like i could be different. That i might at least have a shot at someone writing something nice in my year book." She shrugged a little defensively, "if you don't want to talk to me, that's fine too. I am used to it."

"Hey, no." I placed my hands on top of her, stopping her. "That's not what i meant. It's just, you surprised me. Besides..." i raised my eyebrows, motioning to all the people around me, "do you really think i have a choice?"

"You could do worse." she grinned.

The whispers began, just as soon as our Latin teacher's back turned towards the board.

_The freak and the geek... what a perfect combination..._

_Taylor and Marissa sitting on the tree... K.I.S.S.I.N.G_

I jammed my head back in the book, concentrating so hard on it that i was sure my gaze would burn a hole right through it. Why did people have to be so cruel? I glanced at Taylor to see how she was taking it. She looked supremely unconcerned, like they were mere ants as compared to her, completely stupid and not worth her notice.

"Just ignore them." She said, unruffled and i felt genuine admiration for her for the first time. Maybe all of us had got her completely wrong.

"How do you do it?" i asked.

"Years and years of practise." She answered, winking at me.

There was so much more to Taylor than what i had always thought and i got a chance to marvel over it the whole class. She was really bright and although she came out as bitchy the first time over, she did so many little things that were actually quite sweet... like whispering the answer in the ear of a dyslexic boy sitting next to her who had trouble reading, or like allowing me to sit with her when she could have been one of the first ones to take a snipe at me.

I was suddenly itching to know more about her, to know more about who she really was underneath that carefully erected facade.

"Where do you stay?" i asked her, thinking it was a good opening line. Most of the people in Newport seemed to respond to it because they judged themselves more from their housing arrangements than anything else and she was no less.

She looked surprised though, when she answered me, like me asking a question to her was completely out of the ordinary and in a way it was. I hadn't ever asked her a direct question before so she wasn't exactly that far off the mark. "I live right across from Harbour, house 22, with my mom. She is a sports instructor, you know... one of those people who collects good sportsman and makes them a star. She owns a sports team. I don't know if you know about them, the California breezes. Do you know of them?"

I gave her a sheepish shrug. Knowing about sports teams weren't really my forte. They were Ryan's. Just as always the mere thought of his name, had my heart blipping uncontrollably and my pulse racing. "Are they major league?" i asked.

She rolled her eyes at that. "Wouldn't you have at least heard about them if they were?"

"Not really." I answered truthfully. "Sports and me... not really a good combination. I am kind of clumsy."

She laughed. I could see what was funny in that. Me falling all over the place... yeah, hilarious. I scowled at her and she immediately sobered up. "Okay, well, they aren't really major league." She answered, "But they'll soon be. My mom is really good, you know." There was a note of pride in her voice and i smiled at the way she idealised her mom. "She doesn't give up once she starts."

"Kind of like you?"

She seemed pleased at the thought. "You bet your whoopee ass, it's true."

I grinned. "And your dad?"

As soon as the words were out off my mouth, i realised, i shouldn't have said it. A shadow seemed to cross her face and she became all closed up. She stared straight ahead, and i was just about to say i was sorry when she whispered in a small voice. "He left when i was five. He said that there was another family, another daughter that he had to take care of." She said the last part in a matter of fact way, but i could hear the pain in her voice. It was a cruel thing to say to a five year old. "Of course i heard he left them soon enough too. Guess he was just not the type to settle down." She smiled wistfully at me. "For the longest time i wondered what was wrong with me, why he had to pick someone else over me. My therapist thinks i act the way i do because of him."

Way too much information... I didn't know what to say. I had thought i was the one with problems, but i guess God wasn't really partial to whom he gave them to, huh? I was once again struck by her bravery. I squeezed her hand gently with mine giving her what little comfort i could, even though from personal experience i knew it was useless. "I am sorry..." i whispered. "My dad left me too."

She warily gave me a short nod, and there was no pity in her eyes. Just acceptance. It was very refreshing. She waved me over, indicating that this conversation was over. I was more than content to let the topic slide.

"Is this permanent?" she asked glancing at my leg.

Okay, so not that topic I would have chosen. "No. Not really." I mumbled. "Dr. Mercy my orthopod thinks that, give or take a couple of months more, i should be good enough to get out of this cast."

"Wow..." she nodded enthusiastically. "Well, at least look at the bright side. You can walk to your own prom. You can dance at your own prom."

"Proms don't hold the same attractions for me as they once did."

"But, what about Ryan? Wouldn't he want to take you out?" She asked, and it brought a fresh wave of pain to course through my body. It was like salt being sprinkled on a wound that was barely healing. Ryan wasn't going to take me to prom. I didn't have that kind of a hold over him anymore. He would eventually find someone else to take to prom. The thought of Ryan with a beautiful girl dancing side by side probably even softly kissing had me choking up on my own bile. Something of my pain must have shown on my face, because she quickly whispered. "You guys are still together right?"

I bit my lip and shook my head in the negative, afraid that if i allowed myself to speak, the words would come out all wrong. She gasped in surprise. "But, i thought... i mean you guys..."

"No, we broke up." I muttered. "We are good friends though." I answered her unspoken question.

"Wow."

Yes, wow. That summarised it all, except that the word had a bitter taste to it when it rolled off my tongue. Thankfully the bell rang, preventing Taylor from asking me anymore questions. I quickly shoved her book towards her and picked up my bag. She picked up my walking stick and helped me with it. "Thanks." I whispered, genuinely glad that i had someone to talk to, someone for company in spite of the distasteful turn our conversation had taken in the end.

"Anytime." She whispered.

"Wait", i placed my hand on her to stop her before she could leave, "Would you like to come over to the Cohen's later? We are having a movie night. It's usually the guys watching the 'samurai wrestlers' or 'the fight club' or some gory movie like that, but me and Summer try to squeeze in the 'notebook' once in a while... it'll be fun.", i added almost as an afterthought.

She looked surprised, then a brilliant smile crossed her face. "Samurai wrestlers? Perfect! I'll bring the sodas."

.......

There he was... leaning against a tree, a soft crooked smile playing on his lips, waiting for me as i walked outside and i felt a rush of emotions pass dizzyingly through me. Completely 'non-platonic'. I felt a sigh escape my lips. What was i going to do with him? More importantly, what was i going to do about my treacherous heart in front of him? It so easily fluttered when i saw his face. I shouldn't miss him so much. It was just an hour that i was away from him. How can it feel like a lifetime? Every moment that i spent away from him, i felt like i was cut in half- unable to function, unable to breathe. And suddenly now that i saw him, i felt whole. I shouldn't feel this way about a friend. It wasn't right to feel this way. I remembered the conversation that i had with Taylor earlier. Soon, he was going to find someone. Someone like Teresa... or maybe Lindsay... Someone who was smart and funny and responsible... Someone who was whole and unscathed... So unlike me... And then what would i do? I had come to depend on him so much these days. He was like breathing to me. And what if he said that he didn't want me in his life anymore? I would die. I would literally and figuratively die.

He spotted me and immediately came over and pulled me into a bear hug. "I missed you at class." He whispered close to my ears.

I closed my eyes and surrendered to his sweet voice. My answer was bittersweet as it choked through my mouth in a strange voice. "I missed you too."

I was dreaming if i thought that he wouldn't pick up on my misery. He leaned away from me and stared at me in concern. "Are you okay?" he softly asked and i felt a lump form in my throat. He had no idea what i was thinking about and i would do well to keep my thoughts firmly hidden away from him. i didn't want him to know that this whole friendship deal that we had was merely a sham for me, an excuse that i had to repeat to myself again and again before i slept in the night, so that i could keep him in my life for just that short amount of time. Because the moment he understood that things had changed from my side, he was going to run as far away from me as possible. Just like when he had left me after my accident.

Because the truth remained, that nothing had changed between us. The issues that we faced still existed. Trey would still remain his brother. We would still be broken.

But how i wished it wasn't so.

He wrapped a protective arm around me, thankfully misinterpreting my expression. "How was Latin? I am sorry you had to go through that alone." He said.

"It wasn't bad. I had Taylor." I watched the utter shock cross his face and grinned.

"What? You and Taylor?"

"Yeah... I invited her to the movie tonight." I teased. "She will even up the odds against us. And we will watch 'the notebook'."

"Marissa... No..." he groaned.

"What, is someone talking about watching the notebook tonight?" Seth looped his arm around me, joining us. "Because that's what i thought i heard... and that couldn't be right, could it?" he smacked his lips and twirled his fingers through his pockets in an imaginary way. "Not when i have the new Twitcher series right in my pocket."

"Cohen, not one of your whiny little superhero movies." Summer came from the other side, jabbing Seth on the forehead. "I want to watch 'the twilight'. That Edward Cullen is sooo Hot!"

"What you think he is hot?" Seth quipped, "He has spindly legs and arms. How can he be hot?"

"Yes, because we all know the muscles that you hide beneath that superman tee..." Ryan grinned.

We bickered and laughed all the way to our car. As i watched my three friends, a smile playing on my lips, it was hard to imagine living my life without them. Really, my first day at harbour hadn't turned out to be that bad. I had Summer, Seth and Ryan on my side.

And now it seemed i had also gained a new friend.


	8. When you are too in love to let it go

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

_I don't own the O.C or any of the characters in it. If I did, would I be on this site writing stories about them when I could actually see them in some steamy scenes together? No… Nah… Never!!_

_**SUMMARY:**_

_Wonder what would happen if Marissa goes after Ryan instead of Johnny after their fight on the__beach in 'the Game plan'? Wonder what would happen if Marissa was the one to get into a life-altering situation? Would it bring them closer and make them face their issues once and for all or would it push them further apart? _

_**A/N:**_

_Thanks so much for all the reviews. It's awesome the kind of overwhelming response this story is getting. I wanted to make a special mention of Marissa Davis, sailaway and theoclover1 for being some of my most consistent reviewers. I am glad that you liked it. Please, please give me inputs because i want to make this better. Really!_

_I haven't seen the season 4, so i am not really aware of Taylor's character that well. Taylor is going to play a big part in this story hereafter so i wanted to get it right. I have done as best as i could from my season 3 end episodes. I don't know if that's okay. That said about Ryan and Taylor's scene in the end, i think Taylor would have been upfront about what she was feeling, rather than go behind Marissa's back. But if i have it wrong then please excuse me. It's the mistake of a beginner!_

_**The dream concept at the end was taken from the book 'eclipse' by Stephanie Meyer. It intrigued me how she showed both Jacob's and Edward's dialogues through Bella's perspective in a dream. And i wanted to try it with this. It wouldn't come too believable, but those who have read the book will know.**_

_Oh_ _and Sailaway... i am sorry but this is one more chapter from Marissa's POV. The next chapter will be all Ryan i promise, because it is long, long overdue._

**Chapter 8: When you're too in love to let it go...****  
**

I paused at the doorway of the pool house, the cut off shorts and the tee shirt that i wore, the perfect attire for a night like this, as i anticipated the movie night that the four of us had planned for almost a week now. We had a fifth guest in the midst of us today - Taylor and Summer had made no bones about the fact that inviting Taylor to the pool house was a huge mistake, the price of which all of us would pay. I had attempted to explain to her that Taylor had been really helpful to me in Latin, kind of the only ally that i had in a class full of vultures, but the words just washed over her like water. _'She is up to something...'_ she darkly predicted. I disagreed. Taylor had much more depth to her than met the eye and it was time someone gave her a break. Thereafter, Summer drove me here stonily, refusing to speak to me, refusing to reason and then as soon as we reached here, had left to find Seth, mumbling something about finding an ally in the midst of unwanted visitors.

I didn't pay any attention to her words.

My attention was riveted on him, sprawled across the bed, reading a magazine, too engrossed in it to realise that i had come and it allowed me the leeway i needed to unobtrusively observe him. It was unnerving how many times in the day i would do that - observe him unnoticed, just so that i could watch him at his most unguarded. Little things that he did fascinated me, like the way he ran his through his shaggy blonde hair, making it messier than it already was or the way his perfectly proportioned arms flicked the pages of the magazine causing me to imagine how they would feel against me, or the way the frown between his eyebrows creased, if something particularly interesting caught his eye. It was wrong, what i was feeling, the way i was behaving... it was wrong on so many levels that i couldn't even count but i was helpless against it... helpless against this special feeling that caught hold of me every time i saw him, and instead of decreasing it was growing by leaps and bounds so much so that it was becoming exceptionally difficult... hell, impossible even to pretend that i was just his friend.

I needed help.

An institution called Ryan rehab so that i could battle this unrequited love.

Because he was becoming an addiction to me – my own personal brand of the finest, most expensive drink, rich as champagne and dear as a vodka and however hard i tried, whatever i did, i knew i would still crave for some more. I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place, having deluded myself into believing that i was happy to be his friend, deluded myself into believing that i could be in his life in whatever position i could and not regret it, deluded myself into believing that it wouldn't matter to me if at some obscure point in Ryan's life he dated someone else, or worse married. Hell, it hurt just to think like that and the pure unadulterated fury that ran through my veins, the thick logs of jealousy that obscured my mind at the mere thought of Ryan with someone else, made me realise that i was not okay... i would never be okay with being just his friend.

And i knew i would have to cold turkey soon or else it was going to hurt me bad.

I cleared my throat, bringing attention to myself. "Hey..." i softly greeted.

He looked up from the perusal of his magazine, and his entire face lit up when he saw me in the doorway. It should be illegalised, the way he was looking at me right now. He quickly got up and put his one arm around my waist to guide me into the room. Where he touched me, it tingled.

"Hey, you..." he grinned.

My earlier feelings must have had more of an impact on me than i had conceded because my heart beat a wild beat and almost threatened to jump right out of my ribcage at his smile and i felt an answering grin plastered across my face. That smile should be illegalised. It should be made punishable by law. Really, it wasn't fair for anyone to feel the full force of such a heart warming smile. My insides turned to a warm, chocolaty mush. For want of anything better to say, or so that i didn't exactly blurt out what i really wanted to say, "I got the D.V.D of twilight" i whispered.

He chuckled, the deep, rich sound coming from somewhere behind his throat and his eyes crinkled in amusement. "Seth won't be too happy."

A foolish grin formed on my face and i stood there stupidly grinning at him.

When Ryan's expression changed to one of confusion at my lack of an appropriate response, i quickly rearranged my expression into a more sombre one and handed him the D.V.D, keeping it between us like a shield. I didn't want him getting anywhere too close to me, afraid that i would act on the impulse and just throw caution to the wind and kiss him. He took it from my hand and where his fingers brushed mine, a spark flew right from my hand to my toes.

It wasn't fair. How could one person affect you so much and yet remain oblivious to it all, happy in his own world? Didn't he care? Wasn't he at least a little bit affected by me? The answer to that was obvious that i banged my head in rebuke. Of course he didn't look at me that way... not the way i looked at him anyways like i would like nothing more than to eat him whole. I was no more that a friend to him... his oldest, most trusted confidante, and yes, we had a history but right now, it seemed he was completely over us. Hadn't he made this amply clear to me on number of occasions? If i was smart, if i had even the slightest hint of self preservation i would cold turkey soon, before it morphed into something more.

I sighed and shook my head as i turned around to find the blanket that we always used and sat down carefully on it, my legs straightened out in front of me. I didn't realise how unintentionally provocative the pose got, my attention too diverted in my own wistful thoughts, my shorts barely reaching up to my thigh, my head thrown back as it rested at the back of the bed and my tee rising up as it exposed a good portion of my golden, smooth stomach. I looked at Ryan casually intending to ask him about the upcoming exams, and then couldn't look away.

Friendship was the last thing on his mind right now.

His eyes were like fire hungrily lapping me up, starting from the tip of my bare toes up over my long legs lingering on my exposed skin before coming to rest on my stormy eyes. Where they touched me, i burned. Our eyes clashed and held... his stare too intense, too similar to the one that the old Ryan would give, too clear in its meaning, before it smouldered across my eyes in a strange battle of blue against blue. It had been so long since he had looked at me like that... Desire - hot, smouldering, unquenchable, and unattainable, started from the pit of my stomach, gripped me in its vice like clutch and enveloped me to my very core. The thoughts that i had earlier, the feelings that i had been trying to suppress were echoed in his mind and he was responding to it with a ferocity that stunned us both.

The liquid of his eyes deepened, pooled and i could feel my breaths coming in short gasps, feel myself hyperventilating as if i was being swallowed whole and i knew something vitally important was happening here. I could see it in his eyes... see it in the way that he involuntarily moved towards me. He was going to kiss me. I knew this as surely as i knew that the sky was blue or the grass was green. The rational part of my brain didn't know whether i wanted that kiss or not, but the part which i had denied so long, the part that was guided purely by feelings craved for nothing more than for this bittersweet torture to end.

I wanted to break this strange connection but i didn't want to look away.

I couldn't look away.

His eyes were like gravity, pulling everything towards him.... me, my desires, my thoughts, my feelings, my whole self...

And in that moment, in that one tiny piece of timelessness, i was home.

I leaned towards him joining our lips in a timeless lock. I sealed the promise that was barely teased until now, and my fingers wove themselves around the smooth softness of his hair of their own accord. Our lips brushed softly against each other, teasing, tasting, testing and it was as if the months that we had spent apart had nothing but washed away. The sexual feelings were there, of course they were there, but we didn't deepen the kiss. We just stood like that, barely moving, barely even kissing in a world of our. The kiss deepened and our lips moved desperately against each other, pulling our bodies in an even tighter embrace.

_Hope... It burgeoned_ inside me, enveloping me like a blanket in its sweet fold. The happiness it evoked in me was so strong, so bright that it illuminated every single dark feeling, every single notion of self doubt and self pity that i had ever had and the sudden shimmering of golden rays that cast their hallowed glows around us felt like the fall of the eternal mist.

Inexplicably, unbelievably and abruptly he pulled away, and i felt a cold wave of air hit me in the face. I opened my eyes and stared at him in confusion, and then realised that the deep pool of desire that were his eyes just moments back had changed to black carcasses of regret. I laid my hand gently across his cheek... _what was wrong?_ He jerked away from my touch like it burned and involuntarily i retreated a few steps. I couldn't get what was going on, and i desperately wanted to ask him, but i waited... i waited until i could see his beautiful blue eyes again. When he turned back to face me again, his expression was composed, his eyes were serene, like nothing untoward had happened just moments back.

And in that instant, i knew ...

He considered this a fucking mistake.

All my dreams shattered around me in tiny different pieces and it took a monumental effort on my part not to crumble across the floor in a misshapen, ugly mess of melancholy distress. My heart was still beating a wild thud but now it beat with a mixture of emotions that were too meshed up for me to make any sense of it. The rejection was like a hard, cold slap across my face and i was left completely mortified in its wake.

"Marissa..." he pleaded hoarsely, his voice thick with unspoken regret.

I didn't want his apology, i didn't want his regret and I didn't want to look him in the eye ever again. I pulled my hands across my chest and bent over myself protectively. "Ryan, just don't. Please don't say a word to me right now."

"Riss... i am so sorry. I shouldn't have... we shouldn't have..."

The sheer arrogance of it, the sheer nonchalance of the sentence, the sheer regret that i found in his voice, not for what had happened between us but for the fact that we ever kissed, did it. The anger welled inside me coming at me in huge waves. Who the hell did he think he was? Who the fucking mother of God did think he was to pretend like he cared?

"You don't get it do you, Ryan? You can't just come into my life when you want, where you want and for whatever you want and kiss me like that and then say it was one whole fucking mistake. What happened between us might seem like a long time ago to you. But i never stopped caring about you. I still do..."

"Marissa, you can't think that i don't care." He choked in a tortured plea. "You know i do..."

"I don't think Lindsay would agree with you. Or Teresa for that matter." I coolly replied.

I erected a wall around me, and then another and then another until i was confident that i wouldn't crumble while saying the next words. 'Or Trey...' i harshly whispered.

The last word was like a slap right across his face, and my words slashed him like a whiplash. His jaw clenched, then locked, then clenched again and his features set themselves like they were carved out of stone. The hurt across his face cut me through and through but i cruelly turned away. This was my form of revenge.

He closed his eyes tightly shut and then opened them and looked at me with a world of pain. Without uttering a word he opened the door to the pool house and silently walked away.

........

........

Summer and Seth had walked in moments after Ryan had left, carrying a basket full of hot dogs and chips. Not their incessant chatter, nor the hot dogs, nor the chocolate chip cookies could lift my mood and i sat in my place, wallowing in self-pity. It was completely unfair for me to bring up Trey. So what if i was hurt, so what if i had become a glutton for self torture, it wasn't his fault. He genuinely did not feel the same way about me as i felt about him, and it was completely wrong for me to be blaming him.

The pool house door opened and Ryan walked in, his features perfectly composed and an unreadable expression on his face. His eyes swept through the room, landing on Seth and Summer cosily cuddled up on the other blanket, and for a moment, he hovered uncertainly near ours like he wanted to say something more. But then he sighed and sat down as far away from me as the blanket would allow.

I should apologise. I should say the words, and i opened my mouth to do the same. But my throat kept working furiously solo and no sound came out.

"Oh, look what the cat dragged in..." Summer suddenly quipped, thankfully distracting me and I turned to look at the doorway. Taylor was standing there, a bright hopeful expression on her face wearing a yellow caftan that would have looked awful on anyone else, but looked so Taylor.

"Common in, Taylor. You are right on time." I waved her over, my voice still coming out in a hoarse squeak. "We are just settling in."

She jauntily swerved into the room. She was completely unfazed by Summer's unwelcome response and she waved merrily to me. She said 'hi' to Seth and then was about to say the same to Ryan when she took one look at him and her jaw dropped open in shock. Her eyes bulged, and like a fish caught out of water, words failed her. Her eyes dropped lower to come to rest on Ryan's six packs that were visible from the thin material of his wife beater and she sighed appreciatively. 'Wow...' she involuntarily muttered under her breath.

"Hi Ryan..." she whispered shyly, her eyes sweeping back up his body to come to rest on his beautiful, blue eyes.

I had seen this look. Hell, i was a master of this look having been the one to have it plastered on my face for almost three years.

Unbidden the jealousy came hot and strong, as it swirled in the pit of my stomach running through my veins in thick clogs. It surprised me because i hadn't expected it to be so, not after the showdown that we had just had. Out of the corner of my eyes, i glanced at Ryan. He was still completely oblivious to Taylor's interest in him and it lessened my murderous feelings a little bit. But it did not prevent me from wishing that Taylor could evaporate in a puff of smoke. Abruptly i clamped my feelings firmly shut. It wasn't my place and it was time i got that. If they wanted to be together, if they wanted to marry each other, if they wanted to have brilliant, blonde, snarling babies with each other, then let them. I wanted no place in it.

She came down and flopped on the bed behind us, her legs dangling on the other side of Ryan. Summer wasn't oblivious to the move.

"Listen skank! Don't get too comfortable there." she snarled. "You might have managed to fool Marissa into thinking that you have changed now or whatever, but you aren't fooling me. If you put one foot out of the line, if you mess up even once, i am going to make my life's mission to kick your ass from here to eternity."

'Summer...' I warned.

"What? She needs to know." Summer whispered angrily. "She needs to know that she hasn't done one thing to prove to us that she isn't as vindictive and bitchy as she used to be."

"Is someone forgetting that the whole reason that Marissa is back in Harbour is because of me?" Taylor retorted furiously.

"Only because your little tryst with the dean was the reason she was out of it in the first place, skank!"

"Stop. Both of you. Just stop" i commanded harshly. My self control was already teetering close to the edge and their pointless argument grated on my already frayed nerves. I was in no mood for cat fights. "Can we just do what we came here to do? Can we just watch the movie so that finally this night can end?"

It seemed my little outburst had done the trick and Summer huffed, but became silent after that. Ryan looked at me queerly but didn't say anything as he got up and put the D.V.D in the V.C.R. Lights dimmed, Ryan hit the start button and the movie began.

For some time there was pin drop silence and we were just content to sit and watch. The movie was good, well made. And the script was nice. It kind of reminded me of myself. Except, in my case i would have to be the vampire - Intent on spoiling everything else. I could have liked it, but my mind wasn't really in it. It kept playing those scenes from earlier like staccato bursts of lights. I was a glutton for self torture as i stared at the screen dreamily, replaying the feelings that our kiss had evoked.

After sometime, Seth and summer started their usual bickering. And Taylor soon joined them. In spite of Summer's earlier anger at Taylor, Summer seemed to have decided to reach a truce and was refraining from being too sharp. Ryan remained silent, apparently as engrossed in his thoughts as i was.

I let them converse, not a direct part of their conversation, the words just washing over me. The depression that had been obscured by the anger at that time finally began to set in. I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head on it apathetically. I was glad that they were talking amongst themselves. That meant i needn't say a word, i needn't be a part of them. I could wallow in my self-pity some more. I couldn't deny that the kiss had changed everything for me, but it wasn't the same for Ryan. I could see that now. And i just wished i hadn't said the last words. I knew how he felt about that particular topic.

'_Trey'_... he was the single most important bane of both of our existences, a topic that was as painful as it was unavoidable and it was unfair of me to bring it up. I turned to look at him wondering how he was holding up. I was surprised to see that he was looking at me too.

Now was the time.

Now was the time that i should apologise and hope that he would forgive me, or i could not and lose him forever.

"About before..." i started. "I am sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"It was true." He muttered.

"You can't really believe that." i forcefully whispered. "I just said it because I was angry and pissed off about what we did back then..." my voice trailed. I couldn't complete the sentence.

He shook his head morosely. 'That's another thing. I shouldn't have kissed you.'

"Because i am just a friend." I stressed on the last word.

He looked affronted at the way i was defining our relationship this way. But really, wasn't that what he was saying now. Wasn't that what he had done just moments back. Reduced us to mere friends?

"You are so much more than that... always will be." He answered.

"But...?" i prodded.

"But, we can't be... You don't really want to be, do you?" he looked so surprised that i knew the answer to that immediately. I shouldn't have asked. It just twisted the knife deeper in.

I crumbled. "Right, no. Of course not." I replied.

I closed my eyes, tuning out everything, the movie, my friends, Ryan... I wanted to block everything.

I didn't know when sleep claimed me. Maybe i was too exhausted with my thoughts, but i was glad that i could allow my mind to be claimed by the acquittal paws of sleep. I still could hear the movie in the background. There were moments where i could even hear Seth and Summer arguing. But it seemed as if it came from a distance... loud, but not a part of me. Slowly, I could feel everything dwindling as the show came to a close. I could hear Seth's soft snores mingled with Summer's beside me. I felt Ryan pick me up and lay me gently on his bed. He brushed the top of my head and kissed my forehead gently.

"_The game that the both of you play - of getting together and then breaking up and then getting together again - is starting to get a little cliché. It's giving me a headache." _Taylor's voice came from somewhere far away... as if in the background. My eyes felt so heavy it felt like i was dreaming.

"_You can always save yourself the trouble and leave." _Ryan's deep voice snapped.

"_I could, except... i find myself not wanting to."_

"_And you care because...?"_ Ryan interrupted. Fair point. Taylor was nothing to Ryan and Ryan was nothing to her. Or so i had thought. What had changed in one night?

"_I don't. Well, not technically. I care about her because she was nice to me. And i care about you because i am attracted to you. Don't get me wrong. It's just an attraction. I am not in love with you or anything. I just want to be sure that you guys are completely over before i make my move."_

"_In case you haven't noticed, i don't really like you. So it all would be pointless wouldn't it?"_

"_Well, that's what makes it more fun... more of a challenge. You're wounded and i can help. So...?"_

This was weird. This was like a movie, but it wasn't a movie. This was like the characters were playing their scenes behind the screen of my eyes, only there were no visuals, just badly tuned acoustics. Everything felt so clear.

_I heard Ryan's frustrated sigh. "Look i don't want this. I don't need this right now. What will it take for you to leave?"_

"_Just the truth from your mouth – do you love her? And i should warn you, threats don't work on me... rudeness doesn't work on me...bodily harm also doesn't work on me. In fact i find it kinky. " she gave an evil chuckle._

The pause was so long that it seemed like this weird dream had finally ended. I kind of wished that it could continue for some more. I wanted to hear what he would say. I wanted to hear the words even though i knew this was just a dream. As if my mind was granting me the wish, the dream continued. I felt the dip of the bed as he sat down beside me. Taylor was situated right across me, so i knew he sat as far away from her as possible. I listened even more acutely.

"_Sometimes i love her so much, it's painful."_

Ummm... what? Say that again, please. I was sure that i had made a mistake because i thought he had said that he loved me and definitely not as a friend. I felt a huge bubble of happiness explode inside me and even through the mist of my dreams, i felt my heart singing. Nothing could touch me in this moment now.

"_So why don't you just tell her... you know she feels the same way too."_

"_It's complicated." _

"_How much more complicated can it be? You love her; she loves you... yeah, real complicated." I could hear Taylor snort derisively. _

Shut up, you bitch. Let him say.

"_I also love my brother." Ryan whispered torturously. "Do you understand what that's like to have it on your head, to know that you are responsible for killing the one you truly love? Because that's what i have effectively done... to her. And the worst part is that i can't even help her. Honest to goodness... i don't know if i still can. Trey is too much a part of me and she deserves so much more..."_

His voice was a tortured plea and i wanted to soothe him... take his head in my hands and wipe the frown away. It doesn't matter, i wanted to say. I understand, i wanted to comfort. I would never mind it, i wanted to plead. I wanted to say so many things but i wasn't allowed to. I wasn't part of this dream.

"_So, What happened today? You guys seemed like you fought." _Taylor suddenly asked.

"_We kissed."_

"_And...?"_

"_And, nothing. It's never going to work between us. I can't let her go and i can't allow her to stay."_

"_Do you want to let her go?"_

Say, no. Say, no. Dear God, please say you don't want to let me go, because i never want to let you go. Ryan took his sweet time answering this one and my breath started coming in short gasps.

"_It would be for the best."_ He softly whispered. '_For me...' _he didn't have to add that last part, the meaning was so clear. I felt like a huge burden was kept on my chest and it was squeezing and applying pressure inch by inch, bit by bit more until i couldn't breathe. The only thing keeping me anchored was the thought that I would wake up any moment now and this whole thing would end. But my mind had other plans.

"_So maybe you just need something to take your mind of it... Someone to make you forget."_

"_It would never be the same." I heard Ryan answer. "I have tried this before, with Lindsay, with Teresa. It just isn't the same. I wish i could have allowed myself to feel something, i wish i could have not felt anything. But the thing is, every time i want to respond, she comes too much in my thoughts. It's too difficult to forget her taste... her smell... her lips... it's too difficult to move on. So we are stuck in this weird friendship deal that we have, all the time knowing that we are so much more." _

"_There has to be something that can be done." Taylor's voice washed over my dream._ _It felt like she was mumbling to herself._

There was some scrambling, some shifting and i heard the bed dip on Ryan's side. I could judge by the position that Taylor was sitting very close to Ryan now...Too close for me to be comfortable.

'_Hold still, okay?' Taylor commanded. 'I just want to try something." _

'_Taylor, what...'_

His words got cut off abruptly, and for a moment there was nothing but silence. I wished there was a button that could turn on the screen. There were no visuals and the silence grated on my nerves, my mind imagining one horrifying scenario after the other. I badly wanted to know what was happening. Suddenly there was a hint of a struggle.

"_Taylor, stop."_ Ryan whispered sharply_. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"_

"_Shut up, Ryan and relax. It's just a kiss. I am trying to see if i can make you forget her taste."_

"_It doesn't work that way."_

"_Then prove it!" her voice was strong, dripping in veiled challenge, too tantalizing not to accept. _She sneered._ "Or are you afraid that you will like it too much? Are you afraid that you won't be able to stop once you started? Or are you afraid that it would open up a Pandora's box that you are not yet rea...." _

It was Taylor's turn to get abruptly cut off.

Ryan was kissing Taylor. It was unmistakable, the sound of his hands struggling with her hair and his lips furiously moving together. It was a sound i knew well. I couldn't describe how i felt right now. Pain... such as never before... pierced me through all sides. I wanted to wake up from this burning dream, but my eyes felt so heavy. They wouldn't let me go.

"_How does this feel?" Taylor softly whispered._

"_Like her..." there was a victorious smile in Ryan's voice._

"_How does she taste?"_

"_Like vanilla and strawberry and rich chocolate caramel." He said almost instantly._

"_And now?"_ Taylor asked.

"_Still same." _

"_And now?"_

"_Taylor... this is pointless. Not that I'm not enjoying the kiss, but it's still her. It's time to stop this ridiculousness."_

There was another pause but this time the quality of the pause was different from all the rest. My ears had been so attuned, my mind in such sharp focus that i picked up the nuances easily. It seemed that the passion that had lacked before was making its presence known. I could hear an almost cut off moan.

"_And now?" _Taylor's voice seemed hoarse, thickly clouded with passion._ "How does this taste?"_

"_Like vanilla and peaches and strawberry." _

Maybe my ears were deceiving me, but Ryan's voice seemed hoarse too. But that couldn't be true now, could it?

"_You said peaches."_

"_I guess..." _there was a hint of surprise in his voice, like he couldn't quite believe it himself.

It struck me then. Ryan never described me as peaches.

"_Wow...." _i heard the amazement in Taylor's voice and i cringed knowing the cause for it. _"Wow..." _she said again_,_ sounding even more surprised than Ryan_. "You taste like wine – rich and vibrant and beautiful. Feel my heartbeat. It's still fluttering. I am still dazed. You surprise me Ryan Atwood. When i started this, I just wanted to help you. I just wanted to make you realise that it was possible for you to move on, if you really tried. I didn't expect to get involved. But now, i am..."_

"_Taylor, I think you should go...." his voice was a soft sigh. "It's been a long night." He_ _commanded softly. _

I heard the click of the shutting door. This was never supposed to be a dream. It was a nightmare, until now.

Ryan's lips tenderly graze against mine and I wondered what i tasted like to him now. He tasted like regret to me, mixed with so much love that i felt like someone was saying goodbye. It was heartbreaking ,poignant and utterly beautiful and completely, bone shatteringly scary at the same time. I wanted to prolong it, i never wanted it to end... and i wrapped my arms around him holding him as tightly as possible against me for as long as i could. He chuckled softly enjoying the embrace, and then sighed before disentangling himself from me.

And I felt the black haze of sleep pull me into the dark abyss that was oblivion... far, far away from the weird dream that had felt so real.

.........

_**P.S: **_

_**A/N:**__** if you've come to the end of this stupendously huge chapter without getting tired, bored or plain annoyed i know your hands are itching right about now, towards the blue button at the corner of you screen to leave a glorious review. Don't let me interrupt you with my moronic nonsense.**_


	9. but if you dont try, you'll never know

**Chapter 9 -**

**But if you don't try, you'll never know**

'_You're being very sweet," _I watched Marissa smile widely at me as she took the flowers from my hands. "_You're bringing me flowers, and you're smiling... So what's the occasion?"_ she casually asked.

Her words were slightly undercut because bringing flowers wasn't really my thing. I didn't do flowers and i definitely didn't do gifts. But today seemed like a good day, the best day ever. If i could, i would have sung from the rooftops.

"_You know why."_ I couldn't help but grin. _"I can't tell you how happy i am, or how proud i feel now that you are finally going to get this hideous cast out of the way."_

"_Ryan, you're jumping the gun". _She laughingly warned, playfully hitting me with the same flowers.. "_Not that i am not happy that i am finally receiving some flowers from you, but there's always the chance that Dr. Mercy will say that we need a couple of days more."_

"_In which case, we will celebrate... again." _

She looked at me like i had gone mad, and i couldn't blame her. Okay so this was completely uncharacteristic for me. No, wait, let me rephrase. This never ever happened with me, but i felt so happy that i just couldn't contain myself. Dr. Mercy was positively sure that today was the day that Marissa would be able to walk again, and looking at the progress that she was making and just thinking about how long she had come made me want to dance on the sidebar. When i thought of the way she had been a couple of months back...

"_So what did your mom say?"I _asked, forcing myself to come to the present. "_Is she coming with you or do you think she'll let me drive you to the doctor?"_

She linked her hands with mine, joining our fingers perfectly. _"I asked her not to."_ She said simply, looking at me with soulful blue eyes. "_It would mean more to me if you came."_

"_Right."_

I still wasn't very comfortable with this sort of stuff. It wasn't that i would have felt awkward with someone else, it was just that this was Marissa and the feelings that such words from her mouth evoked in me were indescribable. It still left me tongue tied, and at the best of the times, i could barely nod.

"_So..."_

"_So..."_

We both grinned stupidly at each other. _"Ready to go?"_ i asked.

"_Yep, as ready as I'll ever be."_

...........

............

I watched from across the glass bar, standing as close to it as i possibly could. Instinctively i wanted to reach out to steady her. I jammed my hands in my pocket. _She has trained professionals there taking care of her... she has trained professionals there taking care of her... _i kept repeating the words to myself, hoping they would allay my fears a little bit and calm my raw nerves. They didn't. The instinct to protect her was too strong, always had been, and it took everything in me not to run over there and pick her up in my arms again.

I watched her fall... the second time in the last fifteen minutes. I had lost count of the number of times she must have fallen in the last one hour. She looked at me with panic stricken eyes, like she was contemplating giving up, contemplating the fact that this may never work. It wasn't that difficult to read her eyes, having done that easily since the moment i had seen her... I couldn't allow her to think like that. She had to do it. She just had to! I willed myself to inject as much strength as i could into my eyes as i stared at her, willed my eyes to convey to her to be strong for the both of us. Dr. Mercy picked her up and asked her to try again. She struggled and stood up with an aching look on her face.

I closed my eyes tightly shut, unable to see the agony there... unable to watch anymore.

My mind drifted off to a different place... a different time... a moment which i hadn't allowed myself to delve over. It was impossible not to think of our kiss that night three days ago and i had replayed it probably a hundred times in my mind... the feel of her soft lips, the touch of her hair, it tortured me for almost three nights. But it hadn't been the right thing to do. It was the closest i had come to losing control. The battle with myself that i had raged since this whole friendship thing started was long lost with just one hungry look from her eyes. The feelings inside me were building up for the last three months and it was impossible not to unleash them the moment her sweetest most elusive lips had touched mine. I was a goner, so lost in the moment, that i hadn't paused to think or breathe. The touch of her lips and the feel of her skin, the fall of her hair... everything about her were pulling me in and in that moment i would have gladly traded my soul to have her soft lips. She was so undeniably impossible to ignore.

She was Marissa Cooper.

And i still don't know how i pulled away. It was the hardest thing that i had ever done. Somehow, God only knows how... i had found the strength to pull away.

The shattering look on her face when she realised that i was rejecting her was going to haunt me an eternity. I allowed her to wallow in her ill conformed reason. But it wasn't going to do her or me any good to tell her how much i wanted that regardless of how much it pained me to do it. I and Marissa were like glass shards, we kept cutting at each other and as long as we were together we were always going to bleed.

"Ryan!" Marissa squealed, bringing me abruptly to the present. My eyes sought hers through the glass door and everything else faded away. I looked at her with trepidation but it soon turned to wonder when i saw her standing there unsupported. She was glorious in all her beauty, a huge smile gracing her beautiful face, a bright sparkle in her eyes, and none of the shadows that had plagued her for the past two months anywhere to be seen as she walked towards me.... and then it struck me.

She was freaking walking towards me without the help of a stick, without the help of any person. She was walking towards me on her own two legs completely unsupported and i couldn't describe how proud i felt. She opened the door and rushed in my arms hugging me tightly and i felt my breath catch in my throat.

"_You're amazing."_ I whispered, close to her ear.

"_No, you are..." _she blushed and then smiled. "_None of this would have happened if it wasn't for you. My life just doesn't work without you."_

I remembered the one other time she had said this to me and my insides turned to a warm chocolaty mush. I should say something. Something that would tell her exactly how much she meant to me too, but the words that i thought of failed me and i once again became tongue tied.

'_So where do you want to go from here?" _I asked. "_The diner... or the pier... or the crab shack? We need to celebrate."_

'_Hmmm... I don't know. I'll ask Summer.'_

She quickly dialled summer's number and talked rapidly on the phone. From this angle, she reminded me of a white angel. My eyes dropped to her lips and at this moment all i wanted to do was pull her in and kiss her senseless.

"_Ryan..." _i jumped at Marissa's deep voice as it snapped me from my thoughts. _"Where'd you go?"_

I cleared my throat twice before i could comfortably answer... _"Nothing. Just me... My thoughts."_ I said, giving her a crooked grin.

"_Okkkaaayyy..."_she didn't believe me, but she let it go. _"So, i spoke to Summer and she said, they'd meet us at the diner. That okay?"_

I smiled at her meaning this in more than one way. _"It's perfect."_

..........

...........

**(Marissa POV)**

**"**_Coop, you've got to tell him!"_

"_Summer..." _i warned. Ever since i had told Summer about the kiss that was all she had been bugging me about. Even today, at the diner, her barely veiled hints had been too much and i had to excuse myself to the bathroom just so that i could get away from Ryan's stare. I doubt, i had paid the slightest bit of attention to what i had eaten and those chilli fries might as well have been clumps of mould.

We still hadn't talked of the kiss. Both of us doing what we did the best, ignoring the issue altogether and there in lied Summer's problem. She wanted me to tell him what i felt for him, she wanted me to tell him that i wanted more than friendship with him... but how could i?.. after the way he had rejected me that night. He clearly didn't want anything more.

"_If you don't tell him, i will." _Summer determined in a deep voice.

"_Are you crazy?"_ i asked her incredulously. "_Didn't i tell you exactly what happened the other day?" _When Summer shrugged nonchalantly, i whispered, looking down and staring at my knees. "_He doesn't want me Summer... he made that very clear that day."_

"_Marissa, nobody can be blind to the way he looks at you. But something is holding him back. Even a blind man can see that. Go get him girl... its time you guys put all this stupidity behind you and be together, like you guys are meant to be."_

My words tripped over themselves as i stumbled through what Summer had said. "_I can't."_

"_Marissa..." _Summer sighed in an exasperated sort of a way_. "Is there anyone even remotely interesting that you have found since you have met Ryan? And i don't mean the surfer dudes or the lesbian bait shop workers or the mad, delinquent druggists. I mean, the kind whom you can consider having relationship with. The kind of guys you can see your future with"._

"_No..." _i said in a small voice. Johnny had been a crutch, someone to lean on when Ryan wasn't available. And he had become a truly great friend whom i still sometimes missed. But i had never thought of him that way, never even considered that... well he could ever be Ryan's competition. Alex was sweet, a distraction from all my problems, someone whom i could annoy my mom with. She was an experiment in my nature but nothing more. And it had become amply clear whom i wanted to be with, the moment Lindsay had gone out of the picture. And Oliver... well i didn't want to talk about that.

So, no... What i had with Ryan couldn't be duplicated. Hadn't i come to terms with that just days back?

'_So then what's wrong in fighting for what you want?'_ Summer made it sound so simple when she said it like that.

Except there were like a million reasons why it wasn't so. _"I don't know... Sum..."_i bit my lip down hard, almost drawing blood._ "Me ... Ryan... we're like chalk and cheese and we've not exactly had a stable relationship. I don't know if me talking to him will help things out or stir things more. At least now we can be friends. I don't want to lose that. What if... what if..." _i gulped, the words too difficult to say in one go. _"What if we talk about trey and he decides that he doesn't want to be with me. What if i tell him that i love him and he says that he loves someone else? What am i going to do then?"_

Summer was at my side in an instant, hugging me tightly. _"He's never going to say that. He loves you. There is no doubt about that. Please, please tell him how you feel before that skank Taylor makes her move."_

I rolled my eyes at her bu_t_ she gave me a hard look. _"Don't tell me you didn't notice the way she looked at Ryan the other day. That woman doesn't wait."_

I heard Summer's warning and considered her words. I suddenly remembered my dream and gulped down in fear.

"_Okay," _i whispered,_ "I'll tell him." _i wasn't sure how i was going to do that, but Summer's words were suddenly starting to make a whole lot of sense.

"_Today?" _Summer persisted.

Today would be too soon. I needed some time to be ready, to calm my frayed nerves. I picked up the phone and toyed with the idea. I stared at it for what seemed like a lifetime. My natural instinct to chicken out warred in my mind over what Summer had said about Taylor.

"_Okay..." _i said, making up my mind and dialing Ryan's number...

_..........._

_Ryan POV_

_..........._

I jogged up the steps to the pool house, my mood elevated with the course the day had taken. The blinds of the pool house were drawn and there was light coming from inside. It was too late in the night for it to be either Kirsten or the cleaning lady and Sandy rarely had any time these days for a one on one chat ever since he had taken over the responsibility of the Newport group. Must be Seth, i thought, running a frustrated hand through my hair. I was in no mood for one of his long drawn out conversations, wanting to just lie on my bed and crash.

I tried to come up with a good enough excuse but my words trailed off as i saw the person sitting on my bed. It definitely wasn't Seth.

"Taylor." i sighed.

She seemed angry as she got up from the bed and walked towards me. Her stride was brisk and her eyes flashed a golden hue. "So you think acting like a complete jerk towards me is going to solve the problem, is it Atwood??"

"I wasn't aware there was any particular problem." I made my words sound purposefully blasé and uncaring as i prevaricated, walking towards the small make-do kitchen and pouring myself a glass of water. In truth i knew exactly what she was talking about. I had been ignoring her ever since that fateful night that i had kissed her and although it wasn't the best way to approach it, i was so surprised by my own response to her that i was clueless as to how to behave now.

She wasn't the one to take no for an answer as she pulled me around to face her, the water swishing dangerously in my glass. For a small person, she had a lot of strength. "You know exactly what my problem is. You haven't picked up my calls, you ignore me at school and pretend that i don't exist and every time i come over here to talk to you, Seth has a perfectly good excuse lined up for why you can't meet me." Her eyes misted over and she averted her gaze before i could see the tears form. "I am just not good enough for you."

"Taylor that's not..." i sighed, the guilt wrenching my insides. I sat down on the bed slowly and shook my head wondering what exactly to say. "That's not why i am ignoring you. You've got it all wrong." This situation was such a mess. I know i was being cruel when i was ignoring her but i had had no choice. This was one complication that i wasn't ready for. And really when you look at it, what exactly was Taylor to me or me to her? It wasn't like we had made any promises. That was just one kiss. "Taylor look, you are a great girl and any person would be lucky to have you. Just... not _me_! My life is too messed up and i am already in love with someone else...."

"But that's not why you are ignoring me. You are ignoring me because you are afraid to face what's really going on between us. You can't really accept that you can be attracted to a person like me and because you can't, you'd rather wallow in your self pity than face the fact that the kiss that we shared meant something different to the both of us. " Her voice came out all strong and clear, wrenching the words right out of my heart. It was like she was reading my freaking mind.

My eyes dropped down to her pink lips and against my wishes, i found myself remembering our kiss and acknowledging her words. She was right, every bit of it reeked of the truth. It was supposed to remain a game, nothing more. Because i knew that i would never be able to taste anything except Marissa when i tasted her. But that wasn't how it had remained.

Teresa had been vanilla and strawberry and rich caramel chocolate... the same as marissa.

Lindsay had also been vanilla and strawberry and rich caramel chocolate... the same as marissa.

But, Taylor...

_Taylor was Peaches and cream... she was different... she was unique...._

And that was what had unnerved me the most.

She sensed my weakness and went in for the kill. "I thought we had something special going with that." Her eyes looked deep into mine. I had never noticed before how deep they were or how they turned golden when they flashed with anger or burned with emotion. I had never noticed how that sheen of ill formed tears made them sparkle like rich smooth wine. "I thought you felt it too." She closed the distance between us and that scent of peaches overwhelmed me again. "Maybe if you gave us a chance you'd still feel it too."

She bent her lips forward and unbeknownst to me i met her halfway. This was no game. This was real and we both knew that whatever was happening right now was going to stand. There was no turning back. Her fingers wove themselves around my hair gripping them hard and i curved my fingers against her jaw pulling her in. She tasted different and yet the same. Her body pushed me down on the mattress and my hands never leaving hers brought her on top of me. This was hot hard passion and yet this was less and more at the same time. It wasn't the same blinding passion that i shared with Marissa but it was there... tangible and real. Suddenly i couldn't breathe. My fingers found the button on her jacket and i literally ripped them open. She was no less, matching me stroke for stroke, as my wife beater followed through. It took us no less than 5 seconds to be completely naked and we were too far gone to talk. My cell phone rang with unerring timing and it brought me out of that passion filled haze.

"Taylor, wait..."

"Ryan, don't stop."

My cell phone rang again and this time it penetrated her mind too. "You're right. You're right." She scrambled quickly for her clothes all the while muttering stuff to herself. "We have to wait. Have the talk. The talk before the sex. The banter before the bed. The brains before the brawl."

I couldn't help but grin. "Taylor what are you on about?"

"Nothing." She looked at me with wide eyes. "Don't you have to get that?" she looked at my phone which was still ringing.

"Oh yeah, right." I picked it up and flipped it open. "Ryan here."

"_Ry, it's me."_

Marissa... her timing could not have been more wrong and yet the sound of her voice was enough to draw me back to reality.

"_Oh hey..." I_ picked up the phone and walked a little away from Taylor. "_What's up? Is everything_ _alright?"_ i asked.

"_Yeah... it's just i needed to talk to you. Could you meet me at the lifeguard station?"_

"_Like now?"_ i stared at Taylor who was looking at me expectantly. I knew i should talk to her. I knew she deserved to be given a priority over anyone else at this moment. But saying no to Marissa just wasn't an option for me. I leaned away from Taylor so she couldn't here the words. "Be right there." I whispered.

"So that was..."

"Marissa." She completed my sentence. "And you have to go."

See that was the thing about her. She always knew what i was going to say. Just like Marissa did. Except... she had a habit of throwing everything right at my face so i was totally dumbfounded. "Look i am sorry..." was all i could manage.

She picked up her bag and walked towards me raising herself on her tiptoes and kissing me softly on the lips. "This isn't going to make me run in the opposite direction, Ryan. I know you love her now, but i also know that we have something special. And when you realise that, I'll be right here, waiting."

I watched her retreating back, my hands still on my lips where she had kissed me.


	10. just what you are worth

**Chapter 10: **

**Just what you are worth.**

As I approached the life guard stand, I saw her figure staring out at the rough breezy sea. Her jaw was clenched, her hands were thrust into her jeans pocket and her eyes looked wild. Even through this distance the anxiety on her face came through and all thoughts of Taylor and what we had been doing a few minutes back immediately evaporated from my mind seeing the look in her eyes. I wondered what it was that had made her call me so late in the night. I quickened my pace, climbing the steep slope quickly. I didn't know what worried me the most - the fact that she seemed so lost in thought that she barely noticed me coming or the fact that she was early. Marissa was never early... for anything.

"Hey you..." I said anxiously making my way towards her.

She looked up at me and gave me a small smile but the smile never reached her eyes. I sat down on the board taking her down with me and she immediately slid into my arms like that would make her feel better. With each minute of silence that passed between us, my anxiety grew. Before I could say another word, or ask her what was wrong, she turned towards me, her eyes anxiously searching mine. "I have something to tell you, Ryan."

I held my thoughts back wondering what exactly must have happened to make her this restless. Images of pill popping maniacs and surfer dudes flipped through my mind. My protective side, the side that I reserved just for her, jump started and I looked at her in concern. Was this something to do with her mom? Had Jimmy come back? Had Oliver? "What's up?" I shakily asked. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No, no, it's not that." she shook her head silently back. Then as if she was expecting me to react in a bad way, she took a deep breath and muttered, "Ryan don't take it the wrong way, but remember the other night when we you know _**... kissed**_." she blushed and looked away saying the last word in a breathless whisper. I felt my brain temporarily freeze. An image of her in my arms, her soft lips moulding mine and my hands tracing her soft skin raced through my mind. My heart beats accelerated and my palms started sweating for a whole different reason now. I gulped hard swallowing past the newly forming lump in my throat.

"And you called me here, at three in the morning to... umm... '_talk_' about it?" I breathlessly asked.

"Well no, no not really... but... but kind of..." Her words all came jumbled out and she refused to meet my eye, biting on her lower lip like formulating the next words was something of a chore. I knew the feeling. I was drawing a blank here too. "I haven't been completely honest with you."

The guilt came like a slow simmering storm. I hadn't been honest with her. I hadn't told her about Taylor or the kiss that I had shared. I hadn't told her anything regarding what I was feeling ever since that night. I should have. Hell I had been romping in bed with Taylor just moments before coming here. And after all that we had been through, the least she deserved from me was a little honesty.

"It's just after the entire thing with Trey" she continued twisting the knife in deeper, "I had decided that I would never lie to you again and I think that there is something that you should really know."

I took a deep calming breath, interrupting her. "_Marissa, there is something you should know too_." I blurted, in a low urgent voice.

She leant away from me and looked at me nonplussed. At first she seemed surprised at the way I wouldn't meet her eye, and then her curiosity turned to worry and she prodded. "What's the matter?" she silently asked.

"No, you started this. You go first." I reiterated. Suddenly it seemed like a very bad idea. Suddenly it seemed like I should have waited before I opened my big, fucking mouth. She was my ex-girlfriend. What was I thinking telling her about someone else? "Maybe I don't... maybe..."

"Ryan." she interrupted, placing a demanding hand on my thigh. "TALK."

"Taylor kissed Me." I blurted out.

Her eyes widened with surprise like round saucers and I don't think she was aware that the hand that she had softly placed on my thigh was now gripping it painfully hard.

"And I kissed her back."

For a long pregnant pause, there was nothing but the sound of the waves lashing out at the sea. No 'how could you, Ryan?' No 'what are you doing?' Not even a 'you are the biggest jackass there is and you have lost your fucking mind'. All she did was stare at me with her huge blue eyes like she was watching her dog die. The silence continued between us more painful than any words that could have been uttered. "Riss say something... please." I pleaded.

"_How was it?" _

Of all the possible things I expected her to say this was the least of it all.

"Weird." I truthfully answered. "But, you know... good weird."

She wrung her hands lightly and looked down. "Are you guys...you know together?" she briskly asked, still looking at her knee. The edginess in her voice increased with each word she said and I could just see how uncomfortable she was getting.

"No. We aren't dating or anything." I rushed to explain.

"But... you want to." She tried to be casual and failed miserably, her voice all but coming out in a high squeak.

"I don't know... Riss." I sighed. I stared straight ahead watching the cold simmer of the night air as it brushed by. I wondered why it wasn't as awkward for me as it should be. She was my ex-girlfriend. She was also the girl I was still in love with. But she was also my best friend and the instinct to tell her everything, to talk my heart out won against everything else. "I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel anything when I kissed her. She is crazy... completely. But when she thinks no one's watching her and she shows her true self and it isn't as bitchy as she normally likes to project, I actually kind of like her." I looked at her giving her a self deprecating smile. "Now you think that I am completely crazy."

"Kind of" She gave me a sheepish grin. "I mean you and Taylor... that ought to be hard... and no pun intended there."

I squeezed her arm sadly. "None taken". I was amazed at how well she was taking all of this, at how she was keeping all the bitterness from showing in her voice. But then again, maybe she had truly moved on and it didn't matter to her anymore. Maybe it never did. It hurt me to even think like that and on the off chance that she felt the same way, I turned towards her, lifting her chin slightly so that I could search her eyes. "Look, are you sure you are okay?" I softly asked, "Coz you know, you don't have to lie for my benefit. I know I wouldn't be okay if you were the one telling me this."

"So what do you want me to say?" she challenged softly. "You want me to say that I hate it, or that I hate you for it? I can't do that. I can't tell you that I am okay, and I can't tell you that I am not." Each word that she said with utter calmness hit me hard, much more than what her shouting at me would have done. Maybe it was because I was expecting it, but her kicking me would have been a much better response. All she did was shake her head softly at me and it made me feel about two feet tall.

"Why not?"

"Because... I should be able to be happy for you." she frustratingly sighed. "I should. I know that because it would be the right thing to do. But I can't. And yet, a part of me is happy that you told me the entire truth rather than someone else. But the other part of me, the part that still loves you," tears formed in her huge blue eyes, choking me and drowning me, "hates you for exactly that."

"Marissa..." I didn't know what to say. I felt like my mouth was made of lead and it refused to follow the commands of my brain. With every second of silence that passed between us, the tension became too strong to bear. I should say something. I should s ease the tension somehow. "I am so sorry..."

She looked at me incredulously like that was the worst thing I could say. Then a silent shutter came across her eyes, preventing any of her emotions from showing through and she looked at me as if I could have been a seashell on the beach, dead and lifeless. "And I am sorry that you feel that way." She got up to leave and I got up after her, not knowing what to say or how to make this whole thing better. "Marissa wait." I gripped her arm tightly, preventing her from walking away. All I knew was that I couldn't let her go. Not like that.

"Ryan let go." She jerked her arm away and took a step back. She stared at me with haunting, blue eyes. "I just need to be alone right now."

"What were you going to say... before my Taylor vomit?" I said the first thing that came to my mind.

She turned towards me slightly just enough so that I could see her pained face, then closed her eyes tightly shut. "Nothing that can't wait, for like, yet another lifetime." When she opened her eyes again, she looked like she had nothing more left to say.

...

"I screwed up man... I screwed up badly."

This is one of the rare times that you will see me voluntarily asking for the proverbial Seth- Ryan time. But here I am, sitting in Seth's room, pouring my heart out.

"So let me get this straight..." Seth asked, shaking his head ruefully at me. "You kissed Marissa, (that is huge by the way...), and then you kissed Taylor, (Which is worse than you kissing my step-aunt), and then you went and voluntarily told Marissa that you kissed Taylor when she actually wanted to talk about you kissing her?" he gave me an 'I don't believe it, are you dumb?' kind of an incredulous look.

I fixed him with a glare strong enough to kill. "I know it was stupid, okay. You don't have to rub it in."

"Like seriously, bro. This is worse than the Christmas party where I invited both Anna and Summer together. Or the thanksgiving dinner where I made out with the both of them. In fact I think this is even worse than even me lying to summer about the comic book."

"And that's why I need a plan." I looked at Seth pleadingly. "I have never been as desperate as I am now. You should have seen the look that she gave me." A world of pain crossed my face as I remembered her last parting glance. "And she hasn't picked up my calls since." I sighed. "Clearly the direct approach is not working and I don't know what else to do."

Seth's eyes twinkled. "Then you've come to the right place. This is the 'casa the love' the lair of the sethelah. And we shall woo the girl right in or perish fighting."

""I kind of hope we wouldn't have to perish anything with whatever scheme you have in your mind."

"Brilliant my friend, my plans are what they call 'brilliant'!"

I looked at him weirdly. "I am not getting up on coffee carts." I warned. "And I am not shaving my chest. In fact the less elaborate the better."

He gave me an 'I am not listening to you anymore' look. "If you say so."

I sighed. I had serious issues facing me and here I was, stuck with a lunatic. I had half a mind to leave. "Seth, you do know how important it is for me right?" I questioned, once again drilling that part into his brain. "I can't lose her. I just can't. When I had heard Johnny scream her name, when I had seen her in that bruised battered shape, I had almost died. And it put everything in perspective for me. I just know that I need her in my life now. "

That gave him a pause. "You love her a lot don't you?" he softly asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. It wasn't a question that had a non mushy answer and talking about how deeply I felt wasn't my forte. Like Sandy said, 'we're good' for me was more like singing from the rooftops.

"But then why aren't you guys together?" he questioned. "Why did you leave her all alone at the hospital in the care of Johnny?"

I combed my hands through my hair thinking of an appropriate response. "You know what it's like when we are together." I started. "I wanted her to be happy and I wanted her to be safe. After all that I had done to her do you really think that she could ever be as happy or as carefree as the day that we had ridden on my bike through the pier?"

"Ryan it wasn't your fault."

"All the same." I muttered. "To deal with the whole thing once again and to lose our friendship should something go wrong, is something I am not sure is worth taking the risk for. Maybe in another five years... maybe."

"And what if she finds someone else?" Seth gave me a significant look. "Are you going to play the martyr all along? Are you going to be happy walking her down the aisle to another man, playing uncle to her kids? Think about that."

Every picture that Seth painted, every word that Seth uttered cut me bone deep. I imagined a handsome man smiling as I laid her hand into his on her wedding day, she dressed in a beautiful white dress and a knife cut through my soul. I imagined little blond haired kids playing in the courtyard and the pictures that Seth's words drew were so real, so vivid that I gasped. A bitter taste enveloped my mouth. I gulped down harder making sure the bitterness went all the way down. "If she can find happiness, then I would go along with anything." I whispered through clenched teeth, the words barely coming out.

Seth looked at me weirdly. I could see that he didn't agree but I also knew that he wouldn't say another word. "Dude you are crazy, you know that right?"

I gave him a bitter smile.

"And Taylor?" Sometimes with Seth, changing one topic can lead you into yet another dangerous one.

"I don't want to talk about it." I cut short. "Look, are you going to help me with Marissa or not? Or should I go to someone else, like say Summer."

"You wouldn't." He gasped out aloud.

"I would too." I warned. "If you don't come up with anything soon."

…

The next day dawned and still we were no where near to a plausible plan. Every plan that Seth came up with was sounding more and more ridiculous. At the same time, every moment that I spent apart from her made me miss her even more. My hands itched to dial her number and I had to voluntarily restrain my body from driving the couple of blocks to her place. In fact I was so worried that I would involuntarily take my car there, instead of at the school where I was supposed to go, that I handed the keys to Seth, whose driving I never did trust.

Barely showered, and sluggishly packed, I dully made my way into the school parking lot. At least here Marissa couldn't avoid me. She would have to face me and when she did, I would explain to her everything. The coffee cart was sounding appealing to me now.

"Ryan, you look like shit."

I turned around to see Taylor bouncing up towards me. "Did the Cohen's pool run out of water? Coz you look like you haven't showered in days. And although I like your natural scent, maybe it's a bit much to go all this way to attract me."

I blinked. "Umm, what?"

"I am kidding" she grinned. "You seem really spaced out or really worried."

I dragged my hand through my hair. "A little bit of both I guess." I answered.

She linked her hands through mine. "Maybe I can do something to help you with that." She looked up at me and flirtatiously smiled.

I pulled my hands away and shiftily looked around hoping that Marissa hadn't noticed that. A relieved sigh escaped my lips when I saw that she wasn't there. I wondered why I felt so guilty. Marissa wasn't my girlfriend anymore. In fact after last night, I doubted that she would even consider me her friend. But I just couldn't hurt her like that again. I lugged my bag on to my shoulder and looked back. "Taylor look, about the other night…" I started.

She placed her fingers on my lips stopping me in mid sentence. "Don't say it, not yet." She took another step towards me and the scent of peaches and cream engulfed me. At this height it was easier to catch the highlights in her hair or be enamoured with the brilliant smile on her face. "One dinner is all I ask."

There was no denying the attraction that I felt for her and her golden eyes lured me in. "Taylor…" I cleared my throat.

She played with the hem of my shirt the movement sending a shiver up my spine. She leaned in to me and I forgot what I wanted to say. She took advantage of that and her soft lips touched mine. They were so soft, so sweet that involuntarily I deepened the kiss. I couldn't help but respond. My hands wove into her hair and chuckling, she pulled back. "So ill take that as a 'yes'." She grinned at me. It was only then that I realised where I really was. I was in the school parking lot where anyone could see us. I looked around, hoping against hope that Marissa wasn't there, but I caught her a few steps away. There was a bone chilling moment where we both stared at each other my eyes looking guilty as hell and hers looking tormented before she briskly gathered her fallen books and walked away. I glanced accusatorily down at Taylor. "You knew she was right there."

"I didn't."

I placed a hand on her arm to create a little space between us. "Don't lie."

"I am not. But even If she saw us kissing, what's the big deal? You guys are over right?"

I glared angrily at her. But I couldn't come up with a plausible answer to that. We were over, so then why was it hurting me ten different shades of spade to see her cry?

"And I want you." She defiantly glared back. "So chose Ryan and quickly because I don't think that I have the patience for yet another let down."

….

.


	11. the tears come streaming down your face

_**Chapter 11: And the tears come streaming down your face.**_

He walks into the club hoping it is the right address. The club is high class with bright red walls and a glazy plush exterior. It looked completely overpriced and it isn't something that he would have chosen himself. He wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for a panicked call that he had received from her. He leans against the bar stool waiting for her. And knowing the kind of trouble she can get to, he is a little worried where this night might end.

"Can I have a drink?" he asks the bartender.

The bartender eyes the guy and then the photograph that is there in his palms instantly recognising him. He puts a hand in his pocket touching the pad of bills that are only the first of his big commission and grins. "What'll you have?" he casually asks.

"A seven and seven."

He salutes him appreciatively and places the drink on the bar table. "Enjoy the bar."

Ryan nods, taking a gulp from the cool drink and scans the room for her. The liquid burns through his stomach and the alcohol hits his brain. It's been too long and his stomach has become soft with the wines and champagnes that is all he is allowed to have now. It feels nice to be a little fuzzy for a while. It takes the edge off – off all the thinking and the feelings that he has been doing lately.

He's asked himself more than once if he is doing the right thing by being here. He knows what he wants. But he also knows what he can and cannot have. And maybe this way they can have a clean break. He has gone over this again and again in his mind. And by being here he knows he has chosen his path.

He takes another sip from his drink. He really shouldn't have kissed Taylor. He really shouldn't have hurt Marissa. He takes another sip as the images flash by. He really shouldn't have almost made love to Taylor and then he shouldn't have had the guts to lie to Marissa. He takes another sip as the mistakes that he has made haunt him as they have done for the past few days. The lines begin to blur and before he knows it he is chugging down drinks after drinks.

His eyes travel down the throng of people zeroing in on the figure he is expecting to see. It was her call and he had responded. He sees a red hem, the length of which goes up and up and up all the way through the curves and the small waist and the gorgeous breasts to the face the body belongs to. He doesn't regret it. She sashays to him, more seductively and more agilely than he has seen anyone do it before. She really is good at this.

"I am glad you could come." She huskily whispers, taking a step closer.

She is hot. There is no doubt about that and that dress is made to seduce. He knows what this is – a booty call, nothing more and nothing less. His heart says no, but then to be fair, when was the last time he had really listened to his heart?

"You said you were in trouble, Taylor. What's the trouble?" he asks, allowing her to snake an arm across his neck.

She laughs. A beguiling laugh as she takes one step closer, her body within an inch of him. "You silly. I am the trouble."

His hands mould her waist to set her away but instead they draw her in and whatever last minute regrets he's had, evaporates. The music is loud and becomes more fast paced and hard as their bodies touch brushing erotically against ach other. He leans in close to her, so close that his mouth is bare inches away from her ear, so close that his tongue could just dart in and out without any difficulty, close enough to make her breathless with anticipation. "Drop the act." He whispers huskily. "I like you much better when you aren't trying so hard."

She looks up surprised and shocked, his words so very antagonistic to his actions right now. "Ryan-"

"A bar which is overpriced and loud, a bartender trying to get me drunk, and that flashy red dress – is that really who you are?" he leans away rigidly, folding his arms and waiting for a reply.

She bites her lower lip. She doesn't know what to say. "I don't know what I am doing. I just know that I wanted you. I thought this way, I just, I don't know. I didn't think there was any other way." Her words come all jumbled up and her eyes plead with him to understand. Nobody has ever called her bluff like that. She has guarded her heart behind the pretence of who she thinks that people want her to be, what she thinks people expect her to be. And for the first time someone has realised her act. She feels exposed, like she doesn't have any other protection to hide behind.

His index finger brushes across her eyes catching the residual facade as it falls. She turns her naked face away afraid to let him in so close. He leans into her and softly whispers. "Let's get out of here. Do you like burgers and chilli fries?"

She looks up at him confused once again. Two minutes back she was sure that he was going to throw her out on her poorly devised seduction plan. And here he was asking her out on a normal date. She stares at him mutely and nods her head vigorously. Ryan Atwood has made his choice and he has chosen her – her? She still can't believe this is happening. She has never been on an actual normal date. And she panics.

"Are you sure?"

He looks at her carefully for a long time and she almost sure that he is going to take it back. She holds her breath afraid to listen to his answer. After a long time, he smiles. "Yes, I am sure."

They skip out of the club and Ryan takes her out to the diner. They awkwardly sit across from the booth and surprisingly it is Ryan who is more comfortable than she is. She has always hidden her awkwardness behind the psychobabble and crazy talk and bimbo words. But with Ryan she doesn't have to pretend. And ergo, she doesn't know what to do except sit awkwardly in front of him. "Ryan, about earlier -" she begins, blushing profusely. "I am sorry for staging and orchestrating the whole thing. You are right – it wasn't me."

"Then why did you?"

The directness of the question forces her to come up with a truthful reply. "I didn't feel there was any way else that you could like me. Or that anyone could like me. You see, my mom always says that I am no good, and unfortunately for me, I have begun to believe it."

"It isn't true. I like you- for you." The words said so simply are better than any flowery compliments that she has ever heard in her life and happiness bubbles inside of her. She likes him too. More than she has liked any one else in her whole life. And if she is true to herself she thinks that she might even be falling in love with him.

She grins up at him happily as the waitress comes to take down their orders. "So what do you want to order? Any burgers and chilli fries?" she looks down at the menu. "Actually I recommend the black and white milkshakes. They are awesome."

He hesitates for a few minutes. _**She**_ was a fan of the black and white milkshakes. _**She**_loves burgers and chilli fries and pancakes and blueberry waffles. "Actually I think I will go for the Mexican tacos." He says the first name that he sees on the menu that isn't associated with _**her**__._ "I think you should try that too. They are pretty good." He has no idea if they actually are.

"Okay I will try that too." She nods brightly.

They make small talk till the waitress arrives with their order. He marvels at how easy it is to be with her. There is no pressure, no need to clearly define anything right now. There isn't any history and any baggage. It is like a fresh start. They are just taking one date, one moment at a time. And he loves it.

"So have you ever been anywhere except Newport?" he asks her politely.

"Uh… Paris." She answers. "My mother always says that there is no other city like Paris and for once I agree with her."

Marissa has never been to Paris. But he knows why Marissa likes Paris. It's like a dream city that is a bubble of its own where none of her problems truly exist and Marissa has always been a sort of a dreamer. But lately she has been talking less and less of Paris. In fact after the first year he doubts she has even mentioned the name. He likes to think it's because she is content over here, but he knows its not. Shattering of one dream after another kills off whatever else you've got and he doesn't want to believe that Marissa is that broken.

"So what about you? Do you like Paris?" she brings him back to reality and her. And he mentally decides to be more vigilant lest he gets lost once again in _**her.**_

"Never really been there." He answers. "But I hear it's great."

"Oh yes. The cafes and the roads are like from another century and the people there are so romantic. They live in a world of their own. And they care about making everything perfect. Be it the food or the fashion. I just love it. Its charmed." She sighs dreamily.

He laughs. She knows how to make everything sound fun in an adorable sort of a way.

"So tell me something…" she says mischievously, "what exactly swayed you towards me? Was it my single minded determination or my shamelessness in throwing myself at you?"

"Your throwing yourself at me." He answers deadpanned. "Who am I to resist an offer like that?"

"What?" she throws a taco at him and they laugh. It is so much fun to just be normal for a change without any drama or any luggage hanging behind. It is almost as much fun as it was when he and Marissa had first started dating.

"But really I want to know." she says seriously this time. "What made you change your mind?"

Ryan looks down and plays with his taco. He remembers the conversation that had finally made up his mind and pushed him in her direction. He remembers it in great detail for _**she**_ is the only person who can make him feel like he is about to laugh and cry at the same time. And he remembers how his heart still feels like it is stuck somewhere behind his throat. "It was Marissa actually." He whispers softly, his eyes lost. "After you left, she came to meet me… and we talked. She made me realise that I was being foolish not giving you a chance." He leaves it at that. He doesn't want to share that particular conversation with her. It is too personal and to be frank it isn't any of her business.

"So it was Marissa." She makes a statement more for her than for him and tries to ignore the pain that she feels at his words.

"Taylor." He regretfully sighs, noticing how her mouth trembles when she says her name. He wishes he could give his hundred percent to her but _she_ will always be a consideration in between them.

She looks up at him and places a hand on top of his stopping him from saying the next words. "I get it okay." She softly smiles. "And you don't have to explain. I am just glad that you are here with me right now."

He holds her hands a little more tightly in his and rolls his thumbs on her underside. "I am glad too."

…

_She catches him sitting alone on a bench at the end of the school garden staring into space. And she knows what he is thinking. For she always knows. And yet how much ever she wants to, she is unable to blame him for any of it. _

"_hey." She softly whispers and startled he looks up. He isn't expecting to see her, not after the way he had treated her earlier._

"_hey." He says back making a motion to get up. She pushes him back and sits down beside him. "No don't get up. I wanted to talk."_

_He looks at her curiously and quirks an eyebrow at her. She plays with her books taking her time for she wants to frame her next words carefully and her throat feels like lead. "I am sorry." She whispers softly and he looks at her confused. What has she got to be sorry for? If anything he is the one who should be apologising. _

"_For what?"_

"_For making you choose." She looks up at him with wide blue eyes and he feels himself getting lost in them. "It's not right."_

"_Marissa…"_

"_No wait let me finish." She says a little forcefully. __"We have__ been over for a long time and how much ever we try we can never get back to the way we were before. But I just… I wanted to believe in it, believe in us so much that I allowed myself to forget that there was a reason why we never worked. And I was fooling myself when I said that I was your friend, because I was not. I was anything but that, because I so easily fell into the same pattern that we always do of making up and breaking up and making up again. I just never realised that it really is over."_

_She brushes the tears that fall from her cheeks and smiles brightly at him. "But from now on I want you to know that I will be the best best friend in the history of us. I am just going to need some time… apart." _

"_Apart?" he asks, the words choked. _

"_I want to give this friendship a serious try." she answers. "But for me to truly do that, I need to spend some time apart from you." _

_He thinks he should say some words to stop her but none of the words make any sense. And sure he loves her, but what good is that when everything that she says makes perfect sense. _

"_I don't want us to be strangers", he softly whispers._

_She smiles at him mysteriously. "I don't think we an ever be that. You are the first boy I have ever loved and you remain that. Nothing that happens between us can change that."_

_He sighs at her words and stares far ahead. Then he looks deep into her eyes. "I love you. I always have and I always will."_

_She kisses him on the cheek, a soft whisper of a kiss, "And I love you too," before it feels like she disappears into thin air. _

There is nothing left except the pain.

She is drowning in it, hands held tightly behind and legs enchained, unable to fight it, unable to survive. And there isn't a single raft in sight.

She wakes up soaked in her own dream, soaked in her own pain and it is so easy to pretend that none of this actually happened. She knows she did the right by asking for the time apart. For her own sanity, for her own self respect. But God every moment is difficult. Everything reminds her of him. And every moment that she spends apart makes her wish that she had never been born.

She knows what she requires, she knows what will calm her down, she knows what will make her forget. She craves it… almost as much but not quite as she craves Ryan right now. She isn't that strong. Summer wouldn't be too happy, but fuck Summer. Ryan would be furious but he wasn't there. And she just needs it for taking the edge off. At least that's what she keeps telling herself. Her hands itch towards it, past all the soft silks and the Newport paraphernalia to where the real 'her' lies. She is tired of being the good girl and she holds the glass in her hands. The soft smooth texture beckons and every voice in her head quietens down. The liquid sloshes in it and moves and she can almost taste the reprieve it can give her. There is one small voice, one small doubt that says that maybe she is better than all this, that she can do better than all this. But she chooses not to believe that. She opens the lid and tips the contents towards her mouth in one go. And it burns and hurts but not near enough to blunt the pain. And it churns and unfurls until nothing else is left except her broken dreams.

Oblivion at last.


	12. Marissa and Summer when u lose somethn

_**CHAPTER 12: WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING THAT YOU CANT REPLACE… (MARISSA POV)**_

It is a relief to be in that state of mind when the clouds are made of a fluffy white cotton wool, changing shape all the time, morphing into whatever shape and colour you want them to be, somewhat like colour coordinating the balloons. Nothing ever is like it actually is… so very beautiful, perfect. It is your favourite mall, or a baskin and robbins parlour where you can order whatever you want. And I am ordering my favourite – gold medal ribbon, with my dad by my side holding my hand, telling me I was his princess.

"Coop, open the door. Open the door right now." And somewhere through the haze it penetrates the second or the third time and the clouds disperse. I sulk at the voice, bringing the alcohol once again to my lips.

"Coop, if you don't open the door…"

_Summer really is being a pain in the ass. _

I scowl as I look around, blearily opening my eyes and trying desperately to place exactly where I am and what I am doing. Everything is so fuzzy right now and it takes effort just to string coherent thoughts in my brain. I sigh and try to get up sluggishly, placing a hand on my throbbing temple. This is the worst part of a hangover – the morning after. But having had so many of those I know just the cure for that. I take another sip from the bottle – my cure.

It is hard to explain even to myself, why I am doing this. It isn't as if I am unaware of the consequences or the fact that it is bad for me. But somewhere along the line, I have lost my focus, lost my identity, and each push and shove makes it harder to bring myself back.

My eyes stray towards the mirror just visible through the open dresser door and although blurred, I cannot believe the person that is staring back. For a moment I think that I am seeing someone else, like Holly or that girl Jess that Trey used to hang out with. But I cannot mistake the huge blue eyes, although they appear dark, with circles underneath the size of orange balls and I cannot mistake the face and the hair, although it appears insipid and dull and matted like a grease truck gone over bad and I cannot mistake the Channel clothes, although they appear third rate and due for trash.

And maybe this was exactly who I always was.

And I wish I could blame it on someone else, like my mom for hooking up with Luke or being so 'her' or my dad for running away all the time, or Ryan… for Taylor. But, it isn't Ryan's fault.

It is mine… all mine. Because, it isn't the fact that he is with someone else that hurts me. It is the knowledge that he would be way better off with her than he could ever be with me, that he could be happier with her than with me, does.

And he deserves to be happy.

I bring the bottle once again to my lips.

And the world spins madly on and once again I am flying through the clouds.

"Coop, if you don't open the door in the next five minutes I am calling the police."

I cap the bottle with reluctance and sigh. A much as I would love to wallow in my self pity and my million dollar bottle of vodka, Summer isn't really one to take no for an answer and it is better to give in now than later. Either ways, Summer isn't going to like what she sees. I stash the vodka bottle in the drawer, making sure there isn't any way that Summer might find out. I don't want her to see me like this and I don't want her to worry. I try to get up cautiously but a swirl of dizziness hits me. Whoa… head rush. I place a steadying hand on the railing beside the bed and wait till it passes. I try once again and this time it doesn't feel so bad. I concentrate on placing one foot after the other and walk towards the door. As soon as I open it, Summer whirls around on me.

"What the hell Coop, Where were you and why were you not at school?" she asks worriedly.

Her voice sounds scratchy and irritating, kind of like my mom and I place a hand to my throbbing brain. It feels as if summer's voice is causing it to asphyxiate. "Sum, slow down." I mumble, walking towards the bed and slowly sitting down on it. "I had a late night and was asleep."

"With whom?" she crossly asks.

"None of your business." I calmly reply. Summer is my best friend, the kind that you share everything with, the kind who has seen you through most of the stuff, but I have never felt more distant from her than I feel now. And it has nothing to do with her per se. although the fact that it took three days for her to remember that I do exist, did hurt, my problems could never be hers. She is too different, and times like these just remind me what she has and what I don't, what she is, and what I am not.

She stares at me with worried brown eyes.

"Okay, so it isn't my business who you spend the night with, but am I allowed to ask you why you aren't at school three days in a row or why I had to leave an exam halfway just so I could check up on you coz I was so worried about you?" She walks towards me, sitting down on the bed beside me and runs a hand on my shoulder. "What is going on with you, Coop?" she sighs worriedly, "Are you alright?"

And I want to tell her, I really do. I want to tell her exactly what happened with me and Ryan, I want to bitch to her about Ryan and Taylor, I want to tell her exactly how much it hurts, I want to hug her and cry my heart out, but somehow the words just sound stupid when I say them aloud in my brain.

"Yeah… I am fine" I mumble instead. "It's just that, I am not feeling that well these days."

"Okay, so ill take you to the emergency room."

"No. I am just going to sleep it off."

Her face is scrunched up with worry, with frown and she looks at me weirdly and I know she is wondering if I am lying to her. "Marissa, are you sure nothing else is going on?"

I roll my eyes. "Of course Summer, I would tell you otherwise, wouldn't I?" I lie on the bed, and close my eyes making sure that my body appears pale and limp, kind of as if I am asleep. I open my eyes once again, to see her frowning at me. I sigh. "Look, I appreciate everything, but you really didn't have to leave school and come check up on me. I am fine, I swear. I just have a headache. Nothing that a good sleep can't cure."

She waits for about two minutes and I can feel her silently debating what to do, then finally she gets up with a sigh.

"Okay, Coop." she says. "I am downstairs, if you need me for anything. And once you get up, we'll eat and then talk."

She opens the drawer beside the bed. "Take this aspirin." And before I can stop her, she sees the bottle. And I can actually see her putting the two things together. She looks at me, and then looks back at the bottle, kind of shocked. "Coop, what's this?" she still looks stunned. "Marissa, are you drunk?" she almost cannot believe her eyes.

"No, not really." I don't know what else to say. "I just had a couple of drinks.

"This early in the morning?"

"What does it matter?" I ask defensively. "It is just a couple of drink right?"

"I cannot believe you. After everything, after the number of fights you've had with Ryan over this, after the number of mistakes you have made because of this, after everything that you've put us through, after Tijuana… you are still doing this?"

"Look, no offence, but back off, will you. You are not my mom."

"And than God for that."

The moment she utters the words, there is a stunned silence that follows, neither of us believing that she said that. Slowly the anger builds at her words. The very fact that she thinks that even my mom is better than me at this point really gets to me and my eyes start flashing at her.

"Look, I didn't mean it that way." She tries to apologise.

"Summer spare me the lecture." I interrupt. "Besides don't pretend like you care."

That stops her mid stride and she looks at me curiously. "What do you mean?"

"I called you two days ago…"

She blushes in reply and looks a little guiltily at me. "Seth and I… we were having some problems…"

"And yesterday?" I interrupt. It sucks to have to call your best friend some two hundred times and reach her voice mail each and every 'f***ing' time. And it sucks even more to not see her for that long. It hurts to feel like she doesn't care.

She squirms. And that is the last thing I want to see. I just want to go back to my buzz. And I just want to forget. "Look, don't worry about it okay?" I walk over to her and snatch the flask from her hands, bringing it to my lips openly this time. "It is all cool, right?" I sarcastically ask.

"Marissa, stop it… stop that. Stop spoiling your life like that."

"Says who?" I grin maliciously at her. In this mood, I can be really difficult and for once she is tongue tied. "You afraid to be seen with me like that? Wondering what your perfect dad or you emo-geek boyfriend will think?" I taunt.

She looks stunned and dumbfounded. She looks as if a troll has hedge hammered her skull. She blinks stupidly up at me, like she can't believe it is my mouth that is uttering these words. "I can't believe you just said that. What is wrong with you, Cooper?"

"This…" I shout, motioning towards the entire room with one hand, indicating more my life than anything else. "Everything, Summer. I am sick and tired of pretending that I am still that same girl who used to braid your hair, or that I am the same girl who was the social chair. I don't know who I am anymore." I blink back the tears that come into my eyes. "Why can't you see, Summer, somewhere along the lines, with everything that has happened I have completely lost myself."

"Oh, just get over yourself, will you."

And I snap. Giant tears leak out of my eyes and before she can say another word I am packing my bag, throwing my clothes haphazardly in them, having no idea what I am doing. I am beyond the point of reason. I lug that bag onto my shoulder and open the door with a bang. "I am out of here." I glance at her over my shoulder. She has a stunned look on her face like even she can't believe what's happening here. "You should be happy that I am leaving." I whisper softly. "I am doing you a favour, you'll realise that."

It isn't until I am at the crossroads of Summer's driveway, and the effects of alcohol are wearing off that I start to wonder where to go now. I start to walk towards the trailer where my mom is living, I start to dial her number, but think otherwise. I am in no mood of her lecture. And she is going to ask me what happened between me and summer. And she is going to yell at me for drinking. I think of going to the Cohen's but Ryan would be there, probably with Taylor, and I am not near enough ready to face him yet. The lifeguard stand is the only thing that comes to my mind. And although it is pathetic to spend an entire night at the lifeguard stand, it's not as if I have never done it before.

Plus, my mom could care less. And now, even Summer could care less.

I walk up the stairs of the lifeguard and dejectedly sit down on the cold plywood floor. I take the first few gulps of the alcohol and realise that I need something stronger than that.

I take out the pill that I have nicked from Summer's step mom's bathroom. I put the pill in my glass, making sure it is only one. I haven't forgotten Tijuana and I don't want to kill myself. At least not yet. I bring the glass to my parched and thirsty lips.

And it doesn't feel like it's the end of my self destruction.

It feels more like the start.

…

Seth walks through the door to see his girl friend lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling with princess sparkle in her hands.

"What's the matter, babe?" he sits down beside her.

"I and Marissa fought."

He doesn't take it seriously at first. Because, heck, they are girls right. They are supposed to fight. Besides Marissa is going through some really hard stuff now and it was bound to come out somewhere.

"About what?" "Which tanning solution to use?" he jokes.

When he doesn't get a reply, or a slap like he is expecting… when Summer starts to softly cry… when she turns her back on him – that's when he starts to get worried. He turns her around to face him and sees her eyes red rimmed and foggy. And she really looks bad.

"Hey Roberts, you really look like shit." He softly whispers. "What happened?"

"I am really worried about Marissa, Seth." She softly whispers. "Marissa is my best friend and for the first time in like forever she has walked out on me."

"What do you mean – walked out on you?" that gives Seth a pause. He gets that they could have fought, you know petty fights like I don't love you anymore, but to think Marissa could actually walk out? This was more serious than he thought.

"I mean left the house, gone AOL, missing." She answers, affirming his worst fears. "And I don't even know what's wrong with her." With that, she starts crying once again and Seth can barely manage to hold her as she does that.

"When was the last time you spoke to her?" he softly asks.

"Right before we had that ass hat fight about you and the college girls that had me so distracted that I didn't think to call her back. And now she is mad at me because I didn't. And she is drinking again."

And he realises that probably Summer doesn't know anything about Ryan and Taylor at all. She doesn't know about the Ryan and Marissa talk. He hadn't told her in all the fights that they were having the last two days and probably Marissa didn't either.

He wonders if he should tell her now. Because she would then definitely tell Ryan and Ryan would go mad if he thinks Marissa is drinking again and then blame himself, and then break up with Taylor and then just brood and Summer would rage blackout on Ryan if Summer knew the reason for her best friend drinking again. All in all it sounded too damn confusing. God, why was he the one who always got sucked into stuff like this?

"Cohen, what are you not telling me?" Summer eyes him wearily, through watery eyes.

And he tries, he really tries to come up with something, anything other than the truth but her puppy dog eyes and the fact that she looks so lost really gets to him.

"Okay, Summer, I want you to calm down when I say this and remember that I am only the messenger."

"Cohen, out with it now."

"Well, Ryan kissed Marissa."

"I know that part, asshat." She answers haughtily, and he can see the reflection of the spunk and the spitfire that he loves so much in her once again. "I was the one that told her to talk to him about that night."

"So you know all about Ryan kissing Taylor." He sighs with relief.

"He did what?" Summer jumps out of the bed like hell just froze over.

"Okay so you don't know." He softly states the obvious now, brushing a hand against his head which starts to hurt big time. "Look, its no big deal… Ryan told Marissa everything about it, came out all clean with her like a good friend is supposed to, you know cleared the air."

"And you didn't think to tell me?" she angrily gets up from the bed walking hastily towards the door. "you mean to tell me that Ryan told Marissa about kissing Taylor the same night that she wanted to tell him about getting serious again?" she clips furiously, her words coming out through clenched teeth.

"and you mean to tell me that because you didn't think to tell me, I said some things to Marissa that I never would have otherwise and I would have picked up Marissa's phone sooner instead of having that stupid fight with you and Marissa would be here right now beside me? Cohen, we are on thin ice, starting from now. And Ryan is so dead."

"Summer, wait." He gets up too, and he can barely manage to hold her back as she struggles against him in the midst of a rage blackout but for once his scrawny arms do the trick.

"Summer, it wasn't his fault."

She glares at him angrily. "How can you say that, Cohen?"

"Because after that, he went and spoke to her and she decided that they could only be friends. It wasn't his decision, Summer. It was Marissa's."

"Well, of course it was. You know how Marissa is." She answers. "She makes everybody's problem her problem. And it's Ryan. She thought she must be doing him a favour. I am going to go over right now and kill Taylor and get these two back together where they belong."

"I don't think you should do that." He calmly replies and she turns to look at him strangely. "I think she needs to come to terms with being Ryan's friend and I think that's what they need. I thought they were ready to be together, I told him so too and nothing could get me happier than having the fab four once again, but clearly they still have issues. None of them are near enough ready to be together right now, and if we get them together they are just going to break up again. And this time around, I don't think either of them are going to survive that. Besides Ryan seems happy now."

"I don't care, Cohen." She cries. "My best friend isn't."

"Then be a friend to her. She has to sort this out herself." He answers wisely. "She has to learn to bail herself out rather than waiting for Ryan to do it all the time. Go talk to her, you'll feel better."

She stares beadily at him. After a minute or two he feels her relax against his struggling arms. "Fine, ill give it a try." She whispers softly. But if this doesn't work out, you are so dead." She warns.

"I know."

….

As much as she likes to think that she is the most unpredictable person on earth, Summer knows exactly how easy it is to predict Marissa cooper at times like these. Like she knows Marissa would never be at Julie's right now. Like she knows Marissa would not be at the diner either, or any place else with crowds.

What she isn't prepared for, what she isn't expecting, what makes her blood curl up in fright and her breath hitch in fear when she walks up the steps to the age old lifeguard stand, is to see her best friend close to conking off, her limbs limp, her breath shallow, with a bunch of sleeping pills lying next to her form.

"Marissa common, wake up." She pokes her and prods frantically. "Coop, please you've got to get up." She pleads to no one in particular and the only reply she gets is the slight drool that her friend leaves on the old plywood floor.

She bends down, brushing a hand to clear the hair off Marissa's face, and opens her eyes forcefully. She can see a simmer of light in them and she breathes a sigh of relief. "Coop, we've got to get you to the hospital."

"No… no hospital." A weak reply, but reply nonetheless.

She hooks a hand under her elbow, and places her other hand on the railing for support, for leverage. And somehow, only God knows how, gets her to stand up.

"Summer is that you?" Marissa opens one bleary eye and hiccoughs.

"Yeah, Coop. please don't fall asleep on me now." Summer slugs her slowly up to the car that she has parked. Once inside, Summer exhaustedly sighs. But her relief is short-lived when she sees Marissa once again close to conking off, her breathing shallow and rapid. It scares her more than Tijuana. She doesn't know how many of those pills Marissa has taken, and Ryan isn't here this time. If she lost her… Summer can't complete the thought.

She shakes her frantically once again. "Coop, please… you've got to stay with me now." She turns the ignition in the car and for a moment she debates whether to take her to the hospital wing straight away, but the very thought of putting Marissa through more police work and paper work and chancing the possibility that her mom might take her back to the mental institution stops her. She thinks of calling Ryan, but after tonight doesn't feel like she has the right to do so anymore.

Marissa's breathing evens out and that gives her hope, making the decision easy for her.

She drives as fast as she can to her house. Once inside, she commands the housekeeper and they carry her to her bedroom, and it is almost dawn now. They get her into the bath, running the hot water on her pale limbs and roughly scrubbing her until she coughs and splutters. The effects of too much alcohol and god knows what else are wearing off, and she manages to open her eyes and speak a few incomprehensible words but she looks so very tired, so very exhausted that as soon as she is wrapped like a baby form head to foot in a fluffy pink soft robe, and her body touches the smooth soft sheets under the blankets and the folds, she is fast asleep.

Summer slides in beside her, running a soft hand through her hair comfortingly.

"Marissa I am sorry for all the things I said to you earlier." She softly whispers, to no one in particular as the breeze gushes by through the open window with only the gentle snores of her best friend for company."I didn't know about Ryan and Taylor."

Tonight scared her, more than she would have ever given it credit for. It scared her even more than Tijuana had, because Marissa had never walked away from her before and she could feel Marissa changing in front of her eyes, feel Marissa get more and more lost.

And she doesn't know why she is talking right now when she knows Marissa would not remember any of it in the morning, but somehow she finds it easier to say the words when no one is around to watch her.

"I am mad at you by the way, for not coming to me earlier." She can feel her tears soak the bedspread and she remembers crying only once before, when her mom had left. "But after everything that you and I have been through, how could you think you couldn't come to me? Remember, in fifth grade, when my parents were getting a divorce?" the memories come, from somewhere deep inside, never forgotten but pushed to the back. "I couldn't talk to anyone. I shut everyone out including my dad. But you wouldn't give up on me. You would sit outside my locked door for hours together until I finally let you in. and do you remember what you told me at that time? You said that we were friends for life and if I had no one, I would still always have you."

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut. "I almost lost you today, Coop. Don't ever do that to me again. We are best friends for life, and nothing can change that."

The next morning, Marissa awoke up to the warm smell of waffles and Summer sitting next to her on the huge bedroom of the Roberts mansion reading a magazine.

"Ummm, hey Sum… how did I… " She blinks, "oh my God I feel nauseous." And with that she rushes into the bathroom to hurl. She slides down on the marble floor and summer is right beside her, holding her hair while she does that. "God, sum, I feel so crappy."

"You don't want to remember last night."

Marissa blinks up at her. "What happened? The last thing I remember is… you know…"

"You walking out of here?" Summer completes.

"Yeah…" she mutters sheepishly. "Sorry about that by the way. I don't know what I was thinking."

Summer shakes her head at her. "No I am the one who should be sorry. I didn't know, Coop."

"Oh."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Marissa bites her lips nervously. "I don't know. I just, I guess I felt like a fool. I didn't know what to say."

Summer sighed. She'd guessed as much. "Does it hurt?" she whispered softly, sliding down beside her on the marble floor and hugging her tightly.

Marissa turned towards her giving her a sad, self deprecating smile. Summer rubbed her shoulders and Marissa leaned her head on summers. "I am glad you are here, Sum."

"Me too, babes, me too. Whatever you need."

They sit like that, neither uttering the words but both healing in their own ways. Suddenly Summer jumps up, pulling Marissa with her. "Coop, I have an idea."

"Uh, Summer, where are we…" Marissa can see, as if in a blur, Summer dragging her through to the shelves and cupboards in her bedroom. Suddenly from somewhere deep down, she picks out a photo. It was taken way back in her junior year. It was of her and Ryan, happy and grinning and in love for all the world to see standing beside the Ferris wheel.

"Summer…" Marissa looks at her, confused.

"Here." Summer thrusts it into her hands. "Burn it."

"What?" Marissa laughs, "Summer, I am not in fifth grade."

"I know. And I am not asking you to actually burn the real thing coz that would be impossible, but sometimes just doing stupid things makes you feel better. Common, try it." She pushes.

"Summmmeeeer…"

"Try it." She shoves the photo in her hand with a lighter. Marissa rolls her eyes, but lights it anyway. The fire burning away does give her a sadistic kind of a pleasure, and bit by bit, scrape by scrape the knot around her heart feels lighter.

"Do you feel better?" Summer asks.

"Actually, its weird, but I kind of do."

Summer whoops with joy and high fives. "Common, Coop, lets go downstairs and fix ourselves a redundantly sinful breakfast."

They walk downstairs to the kitchen hand in hand and get the waffles and the coffee and the laughter feels just a little bit easier, a little less forced. They spend the entire morning in bed watching the re-runs of valley. It's as close as she ever is to remembering that Marissa that she thinks that she has lost.


	13. Stuck in reverse

_**Chapter 13:**_ **Stuck in reverse.**

My walk is just a little bit steeper, a little less faster. My mood is just a little bit stilted, a little less calm. And I suck the air all the way into my lungs and focus on keeping it there.

_I have to remain calm._

_I have to remain calm._

I carefully tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear. I have chosen my clothes and my look with deliberation on my first day back at school after a week long siesta. My hair are soft and wavy as they fall to my shoulder, and I am wearing my favourite pleated skirt and a red sweater with golden bangles to accessorise. I have never looked more chic and I have never felt less confidant. The possibility that I could see Ryan in anywhere from the next ten minutes to the next ten hours is getting my breath to choke somewhere beyond my lungs.

"Coop, you are going to be okay."

I brace myself against the world of feelings that I know will assault me.

"I know I am."

….

He sees her just beyond the threshold of the lockers as he comes in through the door.

Her golden hair catch all the rays of the sunlight, and her sparkling blue eyes shine just a little bit more as she debates about which books to take. Her legs look endless in that short pleated skirt.

He takes a short step back, leans in against the doorway, his shoulders brushing the glass through which he sneaks in long lingering looks.

It's been a week since he has last seen her and although he gets the occasional titbits from Seth regarding how she is and what she is doing, for some strange reason Seth keeps avoiding her topic whenever it comes up. He is convinced that Seth is hiding something. And Summer hasn't spoken to him since.

She picks out her books, places them carefully in her bag. He watches her every move like a hawk with a longing and a desire that snakes up on him and catches him unaware. And although he's imagined how it would feel when finally came face to face with her, the reality of it is just a little bit more.

He misses her.

God, how he misses her.

"Dude, will you put your tongue in your mouth?" Seth snakes up behind him and laughs, startling him.

He blushes, then sighs.

"She looks good, doesn't she?"

Seth merely shrugs, doesn't see the point. "Are you going to talk to her?"

He doesn't have the guts. He doesn't know what she will do, how he will be. He doesn't think that he can handle it.

…..

They literally collide.

He is in his own world, own dreams _(more particularly about her)_ when he abruptly turns around, hot burning coffee in his hands and crashes into her, dropping the cup down her shirt. And before he even knows who it is, he can't stop apologising. "I am so sorry, I am sorry, I am…. Marissa?"

He instantly drops down beside her on the floor picking up everything that's fallen.

They both go for the same book and their hands brush, sending charged electric currents down their spine. Their eyes meet… hold on… and just for a second, a breathless moment everything stops. They both feel the longing, they both feel the pain. Marissa is the first one to break away as she pulls her hand away from his.

"Look, don't worry about it, okay?" she brushes it away as she gets up in a haste.

And it hurts more than a little that she pretends that he is just a passer-by with whom she had a short, unmeaning brush in.

He is mulling over that when in her haste some thing accidentally drops out of her bag.

He bends down to pick it up and it takes a moment for him to actually believe what he is seeing. It takes longer than that for him to process. He turns it around in his hand and eyes it disbelievingly… the steel bottle that contains the vodka. She pulls it out of his hand before he can stop her. There is the telltale guilt in her eyes as he looks at her betrayingly. Without saying another word she walks away. His feet seem rooted to the spot and he is left standing there speechless… a million alternating, conflicting emotions raging through his head.

…

Taylor is talking about a hundred different things all at the same time as they sit down for lunch and usually he loves listening to her. He loves that even when sometimes she doesn't make a whole lot of sense, she still manages to capture him whether it is because of the way she makes him laugh or whether it is with the words that she says.

They work like that… most of the time.

But not today.

"Ryan, hello…" she waves her hand in front of his face and chides. "Did you even listen to what I am saying?"

"I am sorry, I…" he picks upon the fries that he has barely touched as he twirls them round and round through the ketchup, mutilating them. "What did you say?"

"I said that I was thinking of going together for the college festival that's coming up." She looks at him queerly and pauses, noticing for the first time that he hasn't taken in a word. She places a hand upon his, dragging his attention to hers. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah… I am fine." He nods, distracted.

He still can't believe that he saw that bottle in Marissa's hand. The mixed feelings that alcohol always bring to him, the anger and the hurt, the fights with his mom and her inability to protect him as her current boyfriend of the month pounds fist after fist against his face are unavoidable. They always come at times like these because he can't see one more person that he cares about do the same mistakes. But, Marissa is so much better than that. She isn't like his mom... is she?

And he is so very tired of doing the same things over and over and over again.

"Okay… so I was thinking…"

"Taylor stop! Just stop talking for a change." He bangs on the table, startling her out of her next words.

She looks at him stunned and hurt and he feels guilty for shouting at her. But he can't find the words to explain, to apologise. And even if he did, he is sure that he wouldn't have said them. Because he has so many thoughts going on, so much worry.

"Listen I've got to go."

He abruptly gets up and departs, leaving a very stunned, hurt and confused Taylor behind as she eyes his lone form briskly making its way through the cafeteria wondering what just happened.

…..

He knows exactly where he is going, he knows exactly whom to lash out at, exactly where to get his answers from. He concentrates every bit of anger that he has on to that person as he crashes his hands against her locker door closing it with a thud just as she barely manages to pull her hand away.

"Ryan, you scared me." Summer jumps.

He leans against the locker, eyes her accusatorily. "Good, I was aiming for that. How could you not tell me, Summer? How could you not tell me that she is drinking again?"

Grown men quail under the look that he gives her.

But she merely shrugs… remains unfazed as she folds her hands against her chest and eyes him angrily. "And why should I? So that you can rub your new girl on her face and make her feel worse than she already does?" she points a finger at his chest, jabbing it hard. "Stay away from her, Ryan."

"I can't." he shouts back. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair, attempting to bring his raging anger under control when he sees her looking like that. And he knows that she is just watching out for Marissa but she is watching out against the wrong person. "Look, I can't not get involved. She is as important to me as she is to you. And no matter what is happening between the two of us, no matter whether we are dating or not, I would still want to know something as important as this."

The helpless, lost, pleading look gets to Summer.

She sighs, loosens her stance just a little. She can't fault him for caring about her best friend. And truth be told, she needs him. She is more than a little worried that in spite of their talk Marissa is still drinking and whatever she does, she can't get her to quit.

Maybe Ryan can.

He catches the change in her expression and another form of fear grips him. "How bad?" he suddenly asks.

Summer looks down, bites her lip nervously. "She almost OD'd on my step mom's pills a week back."

And he forgets to breathe. Literally.

Every dark lonely difficult thought that he has ever had, every frightful, dreadful dream that has ever woken him up are nothing compared to what he is feeling right now. It takes Summer shouting at him three times, she pulling at his hands ten times more for him to realise that he is holding the locker door hard enough for his own blood to drip on to the floor.

"Atwood, are you crazy?" she rushes to get her scarf from her locker and rolls it against his hand to stop the bleeding. But it isn't the physical pain that he cares about right now. He can't explain the waves and waves of emotions that are rushing through him. Fear and anger and guilt and… just more of everything. And in spite of all that he knows about her, he just can't stop.

"Summer, I've got to go talk to her. I've got to make her stop."

…..

It's Taylor who first catches her long before Ryan does.

"Back off."

Marissa whirls around, eyeing her despicably. "Excuse me?"

Taylor takes one step closer. "I said back of off my boyfriend."

"Look, I don't need to explain myself to you…" Marissa starts as calmly as she can, bringing her raging anger under control, "but just so you know, there is nothing going on between me and Ryan and you have nothing to worry about."

"Yeah right." Taylor huffs, the disbelief at Marissa's words dripping out of her sentence. "I maybe naïve, but I am not a fool. You come back to school and the first thing he does is walks out on me."

Marissa eyes her, making the look deliberately painful. "I think the reason for it is clear enough."

"I can't believe you just said that."

Marissa shrugs unconcernedly, turns around. But Taylor's next words stop her midst ride.

"Do you know what I would do, how much I would give to have that guy care about me like that? To know that what I do, how I live my life have a bearing on so many people?" she questions.

She would do anything to have what she has.

"Look, no offence, but I don't think you know enough about me to make a comment like that." Marissa bites.

"Fine, maybe I don't. But I know enough to know that you have what I would want and you are still throwing it away." She reiterates. "Summer loves you. Ryan loves you. And your mom, even through her own warped way still cares. Me – the last time my mom checked on me was probably a year back and even then it was to tell me that nothing that I would do would ever be good enough."

"Ryan cares." There are no other words that come to her mind.

"No he doesn't." Taylor cries. "If he did, he would have explained to me what was hurting him rather than leaving me like that."

"Taylor look…" but Taylor has just whirled upon her leaving her standing there speechless and all she can see is a stunned looking Ryan standing just as shell shocked as she is amidst the unknowing, growing crowd.

…

He carries a tutu in his hand.

He can't believe it. He thinks they are nothing but useless lumps of cotton beings. But she seems to love them and he is in serious trouble, so he should make the effort.

He knocks on her door, sees her lying on her pink fluffy sheets, reading a book. She looks up at him, and her expression is not forthcoming at all.

"Hey…" he comes in, smiling at her.

She doesn't smile back.

"What do you want, Ryan?"

"Could we maybe talk?" he questions, sitting down on the bed beside her.

"No." she goes back to reading the book.

He thrusts the tutu in her hand. "I got this for you."

"I don't accept bribes or guilt trips."

He sighs. "I don't know what else to do."

She shakes her head, gets up in a rush and walks towards her drawer, her back turned around on him. "How about the next time you have your ex-girlfriend on your mind you just forewarn me so that I can move off?"

"It isn't like that."

She whirls around on him. "How else is it? She comes back to school and the first thing you do is get up and just leave."

"Look, Marissa is also my best friend and just because we aren't talking I can't just stop caring about her." He attempts to explain. "She was… is going through some stuff. And I have to be there for her."

"I get that. That's not why I am mad." Taylor sighs, sits down on the bed beside him. "What gets me going is that you didn't tell me… you didn't share. Just like the time when I asked you about your family. Just like the time when I asked you about trey. Just like the time when I asked you about Teresa. I feel like there is this whole part of your life that I just don't know anything about. "

"Some things are best left unsaid." He looks down, biting his lips.

"But you say those things to her…"

"Not without a lot of difficulty." He shakes his head, runs a hand through his shaggy blonde hair. "Look, there are things in my life… dreadful things, hurtful things that I can't… won't talk about. It has nothing to do with you per se. Marissa knows about them because she has been with me through most of them. So don't push it. This is all I have got."

"Then I don't think we have anything left to say…" Tears fall down her cheek. But she brushes them away. Because she is strong. She is her mother's daughter. And she won't cry over a guy again. Even if that guy is incredibly gorgeous. Even if he is the best thing that has happened to her. Even if he gets her like no one else.

"Taylor…"

"I mean it, Ryan… I really don't think we have anything left to say."

...

**A/N: this is probably the third last chapter of my story. it may appear a bit fast, but i have truly run out of inspirations to make this better. and i swear, the next story that i write will be pure fluff. **

**thank you for all the reviews that you guys have given me. truly wonderful. if you have any ideas, keep them coming. **

**sailaway, i know how much you liked my chapter 10(the one that i didnt edit.) i have forwarded that to you. tell me if you have recieved it.**


	14. lights will guide you home part2

_**Chapter 14: **_

_**Lights will guide you home.**_

He doesn't know whether he should sit or stand. Intermittently he does both. He doesn't know whether to pace or clench. Intermittently he does both. He doesn't know whether to shout or scream. He is banking on everything that he has, every jut of the muscles in is strong arms, every hurtful clenching of his lined jaw, every slash of anger through his messed up brain to get him through _this_ particular conversation with her. And he has never felt this frustrated, this helpless before. He doesn't know what it will take for her to realise that what she does hurts so many different people, so many times.

It hurts him.

And she is late.

And he is angry. Angry as hell.

He watches her as she climbs the age old lifeguard stairs.

Finally.

…..

It takes a moment for Marissa to realise that he is standing there. It takes her even further to realise that he is angry – mad, hair splitting, '_I am going to kill someone'_ angry. She knows what he has come for. She knows he is going to get it all out tonight.

"Ryan…" She takes a deep breath and lets it out in a sigh.

He doesn't say a word.

She takes another step carefully. "Are you okay?"

"Open your purse Marissa." He commands roughly.

Her eyes widen a little bit but she keeps her hands clenched tightly around it. She doesn't want to antagonise him further and she knows seeing her purse will do just that. She doesn't know what he will do then, how terribly he might react and she is afraid to find out.

"I said open it." He grits out.

Her lower lips tremble. They have had fights before. But never like this. He snatches it from her hand and in one swift motion drops all the contents of her bag on to the cold plywood floor. The lipstick and the cash and the tissues drop right beside what she dreads the most. And there it is, sitting as innocently as a baby between the both of them, her bottle half full, half empty and all those pills.

He picks it up carefully and she can see the thunderous expression that crosses his face.

"What's this?" he softly asks.

"None of your business." Her chin comes up.

And he wants to hit something. He has never had that violent feeling before and the red in front of his eyes becomes brighter still. But she comes so close to frustrating the hell out of him. He somehow manages to bring himself under control and instead lashes out at the bottle itself. He throws it and it shatters with a tinkling sound of finality. It misses her by an inch.

"Ryan." She screams, dancing out of the way. "Are you freaking out of your mind?"

"You tell me." He shouts. "Why are you still doing this?"

"What… what are you talking about?"

He doesn't dignifying an answer to her question because he knows very well that she knows exactly what he is talking about.

"I thought we were doing so well." He laughs derisively. "I thought we had really taken strides in the right direction. We were friends. We were able to communicate so much better. All throughout your accident, all throughout those difficult few months after trey you have never touched a drop of alcohol. I just want to know…" he takes a deep breath trying to control his feelings, his utter frustration at what she is doing to herself. "Why now?"

She seems a little stunned by his outburst. Doesn't know what to say. She gulps, and then tries again because he is patiently waiting for an answer from her and she can't very well say that this is the only way she knows how to deal with losing him. So she settles for the second best. "It just became too hard not to."

"Too hard to leave it for the people who love you?" he questions sarcastically.

"It isn't like that."

"Then explain to me Marissa." His voice hardens. "Because right now I am failing to understand why you would do this to yourself when you're entire life and mine hangs in balance." He takes a step towards her, until his body is flush with hers and she has to look up to meet his terrifying eyes. "Because you do know right?" he whispers softly, "it is my life too."

She gulps. He is too close and his words are a soft murmur and what he says makes a tingling feeling to go through her whole body. It excites her in a dark, dangerous way as much as it scares her.

"And now you've done it again." he takes a step back putting just a little space between them. "And Taylor's gone."

"So that's why you are mad." Suddenly his words take a new meaning and she makes a move to go away but he puts both of his hands on her either side against the railing entrapping her his mouth close enough that she can smell the minty flavour of his breath that she has tasted so many times before.

"No. That's why I could have been mad." He whispers softly his blue eyes glistening in the moonlight. They are so close that she can see every fleck in his blue eyes reflected in the dark. "But that's not why I am mad. I am mad because you refuse to believe how much of an effect you have over people around you, how much of an effect you have over me. I am mad because you are selfish enough to not realise that what you do hurts other people. It hurts me. I am mad because the people that I care about the most always leave."

She sees how troubled he looks and she realises how much he hurts inside. She knows he is no longer talking about just her. He is talking about his whole family, his dad, trey… his mom. And she is sorry that her behaviour has brought all that to the forefront.

She lays her hand softly, comfortingly over his and looks deep into his eyes. She is glad when he doesn't flinch at her touch.

"I am not your mother." She whispers softly. "I will never leave."

"You may not have a choice."

She moves out of the chain of his hands and picks up the pieces of the broken bottle from the floor and the pills and throws them as far away as possible. "I promise." she looks at him then, and he can see the truth that is lurking in her eyes. Nobody has said things like that to him and meant it. Nobody has ever told then that he is more important than anything else in their lives. And her apology said in such candid, simple words touches him more than any declarations of love could ever have. "I am sorry for hurting you like that." She whispers taking a step closer to him and gently taking his hands in hers, her eyes never leaving his. "I never realised how much I was hurting you and I promise that I will never do that again. You never have to worry about that on my account."

In one swift motion, he hugs her tightly to him absorbing her with all his might. Because that is all he has ever wanted –

For her to be safe

And for her to be happy.

…

"Taylor!"

Taylor whips around to see her nemesis madly making her way through the throng of students in the cafeteria to get to where she is sitting. Since she always sits alone she is bereft of the cover another student could have offered her, had he been sitting there and she is left with no choice but to confront her. "Marissa…" Taylor drawls. "So what brings you to my domain?"

"Ryan."

That single word said in such finality is enough to let Taylor know that she isn't here to make friends, she isn't here for fun. She is here because she wants some answers. And fast.

"So you've come here to rub my nose firmly to the ground? To let me know how utterly ridiculous the idea was of me and Ryan. To make sure I don't make such a stupid mistake again. Or…" she looks around, seeing Summer look at her with disdain from a little far away. "…to be utterly sure that I never reach away from the social order that I am doomed to represent like the hobbits of the middle earth. Save it. I already know that. I broke up with ryan long before you could convince me to."

"Umm what?" Marissa looks at her, confused. She tries to remember all of the words that Taylor has just uttered but gives up. Its too much and she hasn't come here to waste her time on such stuppid nonsense. She'd much rather come straight to the point. "That… All of the above mentioned by you before was not what I came here for."

"You didn't?" Taylor exclaims, suspiciously.

"No." Marissa sighs, sitting down beside her with her lunch tray. "Look, I came here to tell you what a foolish mistake you are making letting Ryan go." She answers, blunt and to the point.

"Oh."

For once Taylor is speechless.

"You and me are never going to be friends. And after what you have done to me, I doubt we can even be civil to each other. But," Marissa runs a hand through her golden locks trying to find the right words. "Ryan cares a lot about you. And he is important to me. Ergo, I am here on his behalf. "

Taylor cocks her head to one side, looking at her speculatively. "Why would you think that Ryan cares about me? Did he say that to you?"

"He didn't have to." Marissa replies confidently. "After everything that we have been through, I pretty much know what he is thinking. Besides I can see a different Ryan when he is with you. One that is not so dark, not so troubled. One that is actually funny even." Marissa placed her hand on Taylor's. "You make him laugh, Taylor. I have never seen Ryan laugh this much. And you make him happy. You shouldn't give up on that so easily just because of your ingrained insecurities. "

"I am not one to give up on true love."

"Then you shouldn't give up on Ryan."

"But he loves you." Taylor counters. "I don't think I can compete with what you guys have."

"What Ryan and I have is a thing of past." she utters the words, a lump forming in her throat because the words were so difficult to come. "He chose you. Out of the two of us, he chose you. That should count for something. Even if he doesn't say it, he really likes you. Don't leave him Taylor." She picks up her tray and walks towards where Summer is sitting. With a turn of her head she looks back. "Because he is the best thing that can ever happen to anybody. And you will regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me, i know."

…

Taylor is never one to bunk a class. She is never one to voluntarily give up on an opportunity to learn something new. But maybe that is one of the reasons that is making her stay out of the class rather than in it as she thinks about all the things that Marissa has said to her. The thing is, even though Marissa's words said something else, she gets the story behind them better than Marissa thinks she does. And she is not foolish enough to meddle in something that could only get her hurt.

After all she might be a sadist but she is not a masochist. Never has been.

That's why she is out of the classroom rather than in it, as she peers stealthily through the open window looking at the occupants with a frown marring her eyebrows.

"Taylor!"

For the second time that day, she jumps up in surprise.

"Seth!" she clutches a hand to her chest, giggling madly. "What… what are you doing here?"

"I should ask you the same thing." Seth drawls, trying to look beyond her at what she is looking at. "Why are you looking inside?" he catches a glimpse. "Ryan and marissa?" he asks shocked.

"Why would you… no… why would you even _think_ that?"

"Taylor…" Seth warns. "If you are thinking of doing something to hurt them…"

"Au contraire… Seth." Taylor answers. "You see Marissa came to meet me today to tell me how foolish I was to leave Ryan. I am just trying to see what she actually meant by that."

"That she wants the both of you to be happy?" Seth ventured.

"No. I think it's more than that." Taylor answered. "I think the only reason she told me all those things is that she wished she still had the chance to do what she asked me to do. In psychiatry, it's called 'transference'"

"In harbor, it's called 'stupidity'. Taylor, you are reading way more in it than there is."

"Really?" Taylor asks, pushing Seth towards the open window. "Watch. See how he sneaks in glances at her between each word that utters. See how she leans in towards him even though he has nothing to say. Look at their hands. They face each other. The body language doesn't lie."

"What's your point Taylor?" Seth sighs.

"My point is, that even though they keep saying it, neither one of them is near enough ready to let the other go. They are thekind of 'couple' that will always remain a 'couple'."

"And what are you going to do about it?" Seth asks apprehensively.

Taylor turned towards Seth with a look of determination on her face. "I am going to get them to admit that." Seth's relief was short lived. "And you are going to help me with it."


End file.
